~2nite, Jungle finding a way~

it is weird when i dun feel lik wan to do anything, juz nothing tat i wan to do....the nite, is stil very very young, but y my mind so blank?

honestly, even typing blog now, i feel lik im forcing myself to do something, yeah....at least im doing something......

my mind stuck in somewhere, recently my fren asked me think bout a choreography for a performance~ im trying my very best, lik wat i used to dance...but it's weird, i cant even think the steps...wat's wrong with me? the feeling is juz like, im not the one who i used to be~ am i really changing? even changed to a person who dunno how to dance anymore?

watever...juz watever.....

i dun really wan to do a single thing right now....

i wan to talk to someone...juz talk....but everyone seems busy to talk to .......

i wan to drink something, juz any cold drinks which can calm myself down......but it's meaningless if drinking something alone without sharing n caring.......

many things tat i wan to do, but juz cant.....

so i rather dun wan do anything........juz nothing........

~am i different?~

2day, seemed better.....yeah....no more bad days....plz.....

few days ago, really my nightmares....everyone think tat i wil go n kill myself, but well, i wont, i still strong instead.....thx all the messages i received from my dearest....no worries, i'll b okay~

2day, is the day my school reopen officially, but wat a good nite yday til i forgot to set my alarm....i suppose to leave the house at 9am, but when i jumped down from the bed, the clock was pointing at 9am!!!! gosh, i gonna b late~

but the whole world is lik helping me...haha...everything went so smooth....got the lrt without waiting for so long, got the bus with juz few minutes.........fortunately, when i went down from the bus, i looked at my watch again, it's 10am....which my class wil start the next second, but at least, i was in the campus ady.....

2day, when i was having my lunch with my frenz, i met my fren, but i was so shocked when i looking the gal in front of me...is totally a different ppl but stil looking pretty~ ^^

yeah, she reminded me tat even world is changing, y dun human change? i should hav some changes mayb, but i do feel alright with me.....but frenz said i look different.....did i? i dun even realized tat....so....i think juz bcoz of the setting of the class? the light effect? or.....they having a very good mood? anything....juz anything.....

2day, i discovered i met a guy for almost many times at the same day.....

2day....everything seems okay for me.....

plz, plz....remember to set alarm 2nite....

~what i should do next?~

yday, it's a bad day, really bad day for me~

i cried for whole morning n afternoon, i slept in evening, n woke up with tireness~

never know tat crying can cause me exhausted~

when i woke up, it's a miscal from my house, i wonder who was calling me~

is he wan to say sorry? or is she wan to make sure tat im ok?

anyone, i dun care~ n so until now, my phone remain silence without any call in.....

it's my problem? i wonder.....it's my fault?

should i juz remain silence as well? or should i call them up n apologize? but wat do i did n so need i to say sorry or take the initiative?

well, since when i need to consider all these? i hate these feelings~ it's too complicated......

~When meteors wil never make ur dreamz come true~

it's the midnight, n i think, im not going to sleep tis whole nite~

i dunno whether here is the nice space for me to burst out, but i hav to, i need to~

days have been tough for me, i tot im able to bear it up on my shoulder, but i was wrong~ i look stronger than whoever, but plz dun forget im stil a gal~

i lost the ability to bear the jokes bout me as well, sorry, i stil laughing, but my soul, is playing the pessimistic games~

u might think i was stil the same old me when i was asking the same old question, but sorry, i juz trying to be the same old me.

i tried hard to find myself, but i lost, in the middle road~

i wan to talk more lik usual, i wan to laugh more lik usual, but y is tat so hard for me to talk n laugh? im haunted~ really....haunted~ by a soul, who never bright~

when looking at the characteristics of Sagittarian, saying tat he/she is optimist, happy, cheers.....but there is something tat there never mention, Sagittarian, is weak~ Everyone think tat im the ok-type, or mayb nvm-type. they never mind their words before they speak to me~ i can und tat, sometimes i lik tat. at least they treat me with their real self without a mask then praise me with lotz of beautiful compliments. i hate to hav tat....

Mayb bcoz of tat, they never think tat i do mind sometimes. im only human, i do have emotions n temper~

i try to stand on somebody feet in different situations, but y other dun try to stand on my feet sometimes?

i need ppl's understanding~ im not a happy n cheerful robot who telling cold jokes n sometimes no one laugh at it, not even a slightly smile~ im okay with tat~ but plz dun define me to 'somebody' which i am not~

communication is always the problem which rising lots of conflicts. i understand n really understood~

there are too many things tat i worrying....at the same time~

dun try to ask me, persuade me to stop thinking, juz allow me~ but if u r my true fren, juz dun put me down~ i wil appreciate tat~

yet, im stil stronger, i think....i juz need some time~

~tat's all i got...~

Yday, finally watched the movie tat i wan to watch which really made me desperated~ no doubt, it's a nice movie~ SECRET~ hope Emily did enjoy the movie~ ^^

well, after the movie, we went bac home by taxi directly~ although i hav a lot of time, but weird, i dun wan to spend more time in the mall~ it's too huge for me....~

i asking myself, wat's wrong with me? ....... after the movie, i reached my condo but i dun feel lik going bac home~ dun ask me y, juz....dun feel lik~

so i went to a bakery & cafe, i ordered one piece of Tiramisu, n aunty there offered me a warm water...coz it's cold weather~ thx, aunty, i feel warm....^^

i went there without bringing my book, since nothing to do there, i asked aunty for paper n a pen~ so i start writing.....

i realized, i felt uncomfortable these few days, when frenz talking bout something which i was not involved, when frenz said something unintentionally but hurt me, when, yeah, when the words came out from somebody mouth, n hurt me~

yeah, i not belongs to it, i din get involved, tat's my decision, plz, juz plz, dun ignore my existence but except u r blind....coz, im not deaf.....

okay, results were released today~ n tat's all i got~ it's expected, but i stil disappointed~ tat's all i got after i put all my effort? well...it's okay, im the only who make this happened~ so, i need time, i juz need time to accept the truth~

plz, bless me~

~Easy but yet it's tough~

are human losing their sense of talking face to face?

tat's the question in my best buddy's msn personal message...

dunno y,i keep thinking bout it for a long time...i think i wil bring tis question to the bed tonite...i wan to find an answer...

yeah,really,all of us can talk easily, saying a lotz of useless nonsense, crap for one whole thick book, but y is tat so hard for ppl talking face to face sometimes in some particular situation? i think all of us know wat's the most sensitive topic to talk face to face...it's all about relationship....love....between gals n boys,or even parents n their children...

mayb i would say silence is sometimes the best answer,but well,we need to tel from our heart...heart,has the right to voice out.so plz dun ignore it~ listen to wat our heart wan to say. if ur mind keep thinking bout something which holding u back, the hesitation wil only make u lost the golden chance~ dun care bout wat other think bout u, dun care bout wat the answer wil be,dun care bout the face problem...nothing is more important than u missed a right person in ur life~

say is easy, i know, but mayb juz try...better than do nothing for it without a little effort~

tat's ur future..

~Juz be Myself~

days r not easy...tat's all i can say~ esp since the day i know bout school reopen next week~ juz a small matter, but for me, is not a small matter,it is a huge trouble~ im sad, no one can understand that,even said y i was so exaggerated? ~ it's okay, it's my feeling anyway~ no one wil share it~

erm...i had accepted the truth, im going to face it~ now, at least i'd settled down~

recently, when i was hang up with a throng of old frenz in a cafe, i was complaining the waitress there was so no manner, but well, i wasnt really complaining, juz mumbling to my fren, of coz im wont stand up n yell at her, i wont do tat~ tat moment, i heard a sentenced which was so sharp for me,n i dun like it~

YOU HAD CHANGED~ so i asked,better or worsen? wat i did tat make u think tat i was changed? they claimed, i changed to a city-gal who required high standard, they said i wasnt the same old me but a person who like to blame n complain on a small little thing~ stunted, i jz nodded, but stil trying to deny~ well,i gave up to protest myself,coz i know is useless~ im not going to say anything to change their mind,even is impossible to change~ tat moment only i realized, something tat i always do since the day they know me, n now they said i had changed? or never realized i was like tat always?

i juz wonder but i realized, they never really discover a real me~ it was saddened me, deeply~ but it's fine~

so i wil always remind myself, wat i should or shouldnt say or do when facing with diff ppl~

again, i wil stil be myself~

~i hate it~

yeah...tat's all i can say~ i really pissed off the minute i read the email~

informing me tat next week going to start the class n i have to go bac to col tis fri to register as it is firch come first serve....wat the heck is this all about? my holiday will only end bout one more week later, almost 2 weeks tat i can say~ bcoz of tis mail, my plans all spoiled~ completely~

disappointment filled in this house~ me, my sis, n my parents~ they never say it but i know they feel it~ bcoz of disappointed them, i really so upset~

i hate it~ really hate it~ i hate all these unsure things~ which spoiled my holiday~ i stil have a lotz of things havent do, i stil have many frenz havent meet up, there r new recipes i wan to try it out in the kitchen~ a lotz~ really....there are many places tat i stil wan to go~

now only i realized i never spent my holiday to the fullest n meaningful, instead i was wasting my holidays~

there is a lesson for me may b~

~JPP...~

when i juz connected a chat box pop up, there was a youtube website which sent by my fren~

after few minutes, i was really shocked y my secondary school became lik tis? wat's wrong with the new principle? wat's wrong with the students there nowadays?

there was a clip, captured at my school compound, the environment looked good at the first glance, coz every buildings there were repainted~ but juz after few seconds, there was a view with all the bad words conteng on the walls~ such as, Pengetua babi....n lotz~

i dunno wat had happened~ but as a former student, studied there for 5 years long n thing like tis never happen b4~ since the ex-principle retired, so this current principle replaced, juz 3 months n all these bad things happened~ many quetions in my mind, i juz dun understand~ is tat really principle's faults? or wat?

there is a place where have lotz of my good memories~ frenz, teachers, n many~ but now, everything seems back to previous generation~ can i know, wat's wrong?

~ah dui~

'ah dui '...tis was wat i always used when chatting in msn...suddenly i think bout tis, bcoz for now, ah dui, became so strange...i wonder, how long i never use these 2 simple words?

from the day when i lost a best fren.....tat's the answer my heart told me....

wat is the definition of best fren? i do not have an absolute answer....it can be very vague, but it can be very objective as well....but im the one who definite, who is my best fren....although he/she never count me in their best fren list....perhaps....u know, everyone has their own definitions of best fren....

so he was one of mine best frenz, he used to be my best buddy...we went to many places, we went to cafe til midnight, we chatted bout life, days, stories, families, frenz....everything day n nite....n i stil remember he said he wil never forget....but he has the personality, which is forgetful, or should i say absent-minded? watever, stil the same meaning anyway.....

it has been months we never keep in touch...but juz suddenly, i was missing him when i took the train 2day....n tis time, i wouldnt deny, tat im missing him~ y? we became stranger? fate? ur fault or my fault? i never care whose to blame....i wan to be the same, i hope we never change, but y everytime we met u juz showed me the possibility so low? juz very low.....

i tel myself it's okay...life, how r we going to count the total of ppl we meet from the day we born? n those who we remember, should remember in our mind as long as we could~ n i always remind myself, i should try my very best, to remember all memories i had with other ppl....

~i have, do u?~

these few days, i really feeling not well n juz cough like hell...i hate it~ really hate it~ how i scare it wil be asthma again...

anyway, now i came bac to KL again, juz for few days, without any particular purpose...n so i like tat, do anything tat i lik, without considering much....sound good, dun u agree? if only u really desperate of freedom...i do hav freedom, but sometimes i wil still complain tat's not enuff....human, never satisfies....~

yday, we went to a place tat we never go b4, we said we wanted to explore....but sound funny, tat's actually nothing for us to explore....juz nothing.....haha~ so wat we can do was walking...walking blindly....dun care bout the direction....dun care where we want to go....juz use the legs...walk n walk.....

okay~ this my purpose to come bac here....i think~ not walk around in the city, but, do watever i like, then enjoy....in our busy lives....how many ppl can do this? no...less....few....very few....im glad tat im one of them....haha~

~Before & After~

say hi again~

wat i'd been doing recently? well, a lot~ there r pretty much thing tat i wan to share here, but seem impossible~

i juz bac from penang, joined a trip which my best fren asked me to, so met a group of new frenz, who study medical in Russia, same with my best fren~ tat's really a best trip i would ever had, i love the food there, i love the places, i love the frenz i juz met~

everything seems okay, before n after~ but tat's something different, when i stepped bac to my own land~

sometimes i wil ask, is God fair enuff? my answer for tis question wil always b yes! but i never sure tat 'yes' is a correct answer, suspiciously~ i witnessed everyone life in this earth is all different, no two same ppl with have the same life n fate forever, never! i know tat im lucky enuff, but there is something missing~

before, n after, i hope, i wil stil b the same old me~ it doesnt mean tat im not allow myself to change, but i wil only allow myself, change to a better me~