~Egghead~

Sunday, the day i lik the most every week~ ^^v

well, egghead, is my title for tis blog~ i juz learn this word from newspaper today~ 'Egghead' means a person who is very smart~

for sure, here, im not referring myself, i know, im not an egghead~ i know, i know~ =.=

but i wil trying to be...^^

juz, learn a new word~

~Insomnious night~

1pm...n i....juz dun feel lik wan to sleep at all~

i went to my room n sleep on my bed, tried hard to close my eyes, but my brain stil processing, i know, im stil awake, widely~

i hate this~ well, now regretting to take a short nap tis noon~

so im blogging, about wat im thinkin, since i hav nothing much can do in the late midnite~

i keep tis blog secretly, only for those who read my previous friendster blog. wat my purpose? everyone knows blog is created to let other ppl read, n so y i keep it as private? everyone needs their private space, so do i~ but i dun mind if my frens ter-read this~ it's okay~

im thinking, wat is life? a stupid question, with thousand of different answers~ n now, im living, as a gal, who remain single for 19 years~ yeah, im thinking bout me~ is tat a failure never experience any relationship b4? a kid told me, is a failure, coz he had 3 ex-gf n he is only a 14 year old boy~ aha~ is him who should be labelled abnormal? or im the one who is abnormal? lolz~

honestly, i never take tis seriously, i never mind to remain single~ im a typical sagittarian, i lik freedom n social with ppl~ i never dare to imagine when i was commit in a relationship, am i a good girl friend? haha~ juz now, went to night market with my family~ i met few old frenz, n they were holding hand with their partner~ they seemed can met bf/gf easily, but y is tat so hard for me to meet one? i wonder~ haha~

good guy is not easy to find, juz lik wat i tot my net fren is a nice guy but at last let me know he juz da same with all the bastards~ my frenz, all is good guy tat i can say, but the feel juz not right~

is okay~ i can be independent, is a not a good thing when u bcum too dependable....u lost everything when u lost someone who u always rely on~ tat's wat i think~ but i wil stil waiting...to feel the love again~ love, cannot rush~ i know, it takes time~

~Thx to let me know....~

he is a fren who we use to chat via msn for years...we never meet each other, but we chatting about life, love, studies.....so we sms, when i met problems~ he not really can help me, but at least, he is a good listener~

juz now, he told me something, which kinda shocked me, although i act normally~

thx to let me know~ only i realized u r this kind of guy~ well, i stil thinking whether accept or not to accept... is tat really normal for a guy to do tat? i wonder....

anyway, i wil b stil da same....as long as, im not his victim~

~When i c ur tears...~

it's been a long time i din go bac to my kampung, a kampung, which i always love to go bac~ KEDAH!

never expect tat i was been there without planning it~ it was a tiring journey, from ipoh drive to KL n from KL drive to KEdah, then the next day, bac ipoh from Kedah.... so , u can imagine it?
although i was not the driver who had to drive, but it made me exhausted~

thing, juz happened lik tat. my cousin's son, got dengue~ although in a serious condition, stupid XXX hospital which located in KL, not allow him to stay in. Privete hospital cost alot, if only u have RM8000 only can talk to the nurse there....wat a sad thing to say. so we had no choice, so my dad decided to send him bac to kedah immediately.

i juz dun understand, wat a cruel society? government hospital, they said mattress there r limited, hav to ensure tat u really serious enuff only let u check in n cure by doctors there. private hospital, every doctors there r professional, complete facilities, good nurses, juz lik heaven , so u hav to pay, b4 u walk in the doorstep. so, who really care bout the patient? who really care bout citizens who need help? dun forget, we pay for the government!!!

is really a sad case, at the same time, but different place, his sister, get dengue as well~ wat a stupid coincident~

i accompanied my dad along the journey. i met my relatives there. they looked different, but they said i looked different. time changed us, the days we had gone thru, made us grow n older~

i din sleep well for a nite. coz i was thinking. there're few ppl running here n there in my brain. the next day, we went to hospital, visit a pretty gal who is my cousins daughter, the one, who always under my protection. i was holding her hand bside the bed, i tried my best to tel her, everything is ok, wil b ok~ at the same time, i tried my very best, to forbid my tear cum out from my eyes. i hav to be strong in tat situation, when others are all weak, they need someone who is strong~ n i have to be~

inside my heart was melting, when i c her tears....

everything wil b alright, as long as we strongly believe it~ i told her.....

~Im Right~

juz finished reading my fren's blog, n i discovered something, which is an answer for my guessing~ again, it had proved my intuition is correct~ well, it's obvious tat i can say, when someone fall in love, they changed, act differently, unconciously~

when i asked them, they wil never say tat i guess it rite, they wil never admit, esp girls~ yeah, it's hard to admit tat i lik someone, it's really hard for girls~ not fair, dun u think so? always is a strange thing when girls take the initiative or confess b4 guys~

it's okay, i told my fren~ then she asked, but it's not okay for u to confess, dun u? haha~ i said, NEVER!!!! wat a weirdo? but i juz cant allow myself to do tat~

erm....tat's the reason i stil being single? i think not~ juz not the right time, haha~

~It's worth it~

well, it's really feel good to sitting here, a room, tat i used to be for many years~

yeah, home sweet home, i say it, coz i feel it~

i really scared tat i made a wrong decision, but everything is proven tat's not~ yeah, i missed a golden chance which i can gain precious experiences, i missed a chance to reduce my parents' financial burden~ therefore i was thinking too much, i worried~

but when the time hugging with my sisters n mum, the moment we whole family were sitting around the table in a japanese restaurant, when we're sitting in a same old car driving around the city~ each second tat i feel im so happy~ tat's all i need, after a tiring period in a busy city which i hate~ yeah, tat's wat i really need~

i enjoying every minutes, but it ended, juz with a wink...how cruel it is? elder sis with her bf went bac, n again, time to say bye~ 2 more days, another darling sister wil go bac to spore....then, everything wil go bac to normal, very normal with incomplete feeling~

i gotta face it, sooner or later, but it wil b the same feeling, i feel sad, even wil cry may be, but i allow the tears come out, i allow my emotion to be wat it wan to be, coz it normal i feel tat way~ it's so hard to say tat i wil get use to it~ but i never get use to it even i said bye for years.... everytimes the same, i sad, i cried~

it's ok, as long as i cherish every moments~

love u mum , dad , n my 3 lovely charming sisters~ forever, in centuries~

~Typical Malaysian~

recently, i really get in touched with a lotz of Typical Malaysian, of coz, with dark skin, n with their smelly mouths~

well, wat made me so angry? cannot say tat i was angry, juz dun understand, y such ppl stil can alive in this country???!~ again, they only can survive in this country~

for ur information, i juz bac from Johor, Tangkak last few days. i really enjoyed my trip with my dear frenz... but when last day came, n i was get into the bus come bac KL, i met such a stupid bus driver!!!

he yelled on innocent passenger, he thought everyone in the bus is stupid, he thought he is a MALAY!!! n so wat? means tat u can scold anyone tat u like? plz... use brain~ u juz a driver!!!! we paid for u!!! we r customer!!! my fren's seat was being sit by someone, so my fren asked the driver...know wat tat driver shouted? "saya cakap ada tempat duduk saja la! apa cakap cakap!!!" if im not a gal, if i din think much, i wan to go bac safely, i think i wil juz scold him bac! even slap him if i can!!! wat the attitude? shame on me, shame on Malaysian!

nothing much tat i can say~ he is juz one of them...juz one of THEM!!!

~Decision~

to make a decision, always is so hard for me, i dun even know y~

well, yeah, i admit tat im so indecisive, even get phobia to make a decision~ coz i scare tat i wil regret, i scare tat i will make a wrong decision~

now is holiday, everyone planning how to earn money in this 2 months holiday, n someone busy with the mentoring training sessions. then how bout me? in my mind i juz thinking bout going bac home....i tot tat's the only thing im thinking bout...but it juz seemed lik~

im struggling, again, now, i have to make a decision, which is not easy for me at all~

everyone doing the thing they like, they hope, to gain more experiences, to gain more money~ but i do nothing in this holiday, nothing~ so it makes me reconsidering, wat do i really need?

it took a long time for me to think all these....n most of the time i was talking with my bottom heart, asking myself, wat do i really need?

finally, there is an answer, which is so simple~ yeah, only one word tat is really important for me, which is, FAMILY~ yeah, my fren is correct, he knows me well, family is everything for me~

the minute i know wat i really want, no doubt anymore, everything seems clear~

i quit the chance to be selected in mentoring malaysia program, i lost bout thousand money which i can earn in only 2 weeks~ is tat worth it if i miss all these chances? i can say NO! absolutely and exactly~

~070707~

yeah, u may say tat nothing different, tat wat i think as well, lik last year 060606, inbox full of forward message, said tat only appear in thousand decade, i stil rmb wat i said tat time, cheh, wat so special woh, next year stil got 070707, then 080808......

but i dunno y, today, i found it different~

i jz feel so special n dunno y~

2day, is my frenz bday, one in ipoh, another one, going to a trip with us later~

n 2day, i juz think of someone tat i never c, juz strongly feel tat wan to wish tat someone~

yday b4 i went to bed, i purposely set 7am 6.50am alarm, n get ready to wish al the people tat i wan to wish~ yeah, n i did~ luckily i din missed this chance~ as we promised b4, i woke up my two buddies who same dorm with me, n we took pic, with half open eyes look~ haha, we look terrible, really terrible, but we all, happy~ tat's wat i want~

sometimes, dun miss the chance to giv us more memories, tat's nothing wrong with tat even u think tat's crazy...i lik it, i really lik it~

going to Muar, Malacca, Tangkak....i wan to enjoy my holiday, to the very fullest....i wan take many pictures, i wan eat many food, i wan say aa thousand jokes, i wan everything tat wil make me, or frenz around me, a very happy moment~

holiday, begin~

~Rules...~

i juz wondering, y everyone of us follow the rules, from the day we born until now~ y must we follow the rules? yeah, there are certain rules that every human has to be obey, to remain harmony society with peaceful~ here, im not referring those laws n regulations~ im a good citizen anyway~

for this very moment, i hate to attend something which they said the attendance is compulsory, but they never consider tat's holiday~ is holiday...which i waiting for so long~ i need a rest, desperately, if not, i will getting mad~ at this very moment, i hate to listen ppl around me said tat we hav to go, tat is a must to be selected as a mentor~ i hate all these....i hate everything that change my plan, i hate~ really...hate~ i din mean tat i dun wan to be a mentor, if really lik tat i wont attended for so many session, wat for? wasted my precious time? im not tat fool anyhow~ i need more time than anyone need~ i dun wan miss a little thing in my life, n i dun wan miss this chance~ but meanwhile, i dun wan miss the only opportunity gather with my best fren who soon wil go bac Russia n im thinking when wil we meet each other again? i dun wan miss the only chance hug my dear sister in my arm n kiss on her cheek, how long tat we din hug n kiss? months ago~ a sister who working hard in neighbor country~ but nothing going to be perfect, i need to lost either one of it, i know tat, so here it is, the hard time to make a hard decision~ it kills me...really~

it's okay, i telling myself.....again n again~

i juz hate to be control~ i juz hate when i miss anything in my life~

giv me some time~ i need a break, i need a breath~

~Life in this city...~

juz a snap, i had finished one of the final exam papers~ good news? mayb~

after the paper of PSY105, my burden lost half~ i had a good mood after i stepped out from the hall, really~ we went to pizza hut and ordered the set lunch happily, but weird, when the pizza served on the table, i lost my appetite, n mood changed, juz in a sudden~ okay, im admit, i am juz such a weird person~ i dun even know~

after lunch, again, i stepped into a busy city~ a city, which is so hazy, which is full of typically Malaysian, a country which never improve, wat a shame as a malaysian... i dunno wat make me feel tat way...all the thoughts n feelings come together, again, in a very sudden~

i really fed up with the roads full of cars, i really hate to c all the pirated stuffs selling along the roads n all the mat salleh standing there n buying with Ringgit Malaysia~ wat a pity scenario? but our government thinks tat is one of the place which must promote in Visit Malaysia 2007~

i walked inside a building, which is always so stuffy and make me hard to breath~ i was walking with my half death body~ smiling on my face faded, when someone walked near me n asked me to buy their stuff~ how i hope i can juz yell out: "stay away from me!!!" my morality not allow me to do that, i dunno y~ so my pace quickened~ i wan to stay away from them, since they wont~

everything juz not right, at that moment, until i came bac home n sitting here....only i calm dowm~

wat's wrong with me? or wat's wrong with the country i living? when i went into LRT, full of working ppl, but only 3pm something, all of them ady finished working? but wat i remember, 5pm only is the time to leave from their work place....isnt it? okay...only our race working so hard....but they wil never worry even if they lost the job, they wil stil hav money from 'somewhere else' to survive in this country...only in this country anyway~ i wonder y Malaysia full of those kind of ppl, coz they hav no where can survive~ not even Singapore tat i can say....

okay~ stop, i should stop, n i hav to stop~

my fault~ my fault~ tat's the life in this city, n it wil never change~ NEVER~ so wat should i waste my time n thinking all these? they wil say tat's not a problem~ they wil never say tat~

leave it~

n get use to it? i wonder....

~我想。。。~

当我决定了，就不想改变了~

我也有权利，得到我想要的，不是吗？

我不想要失去原本属于我的自由~

射手座的自己，或许是个借口，但我要自己快乐~

juz lik wat i read in the book which entitled Tuesday with Morrie, live everyday as if lik 2ml u wil die~ i wan to live my life colorful, but not sorrowful, since now im young enuff to enjoy my life, i wan to do something, something which will be my memories~ i dun wan regret...remorse is something tat we should avoid~ everything going to b okay, coz, i make a decision, which i wil never change~

~STOP~

Yeah…I wan to stop~ stop everything~

I thought I can handle it, even thought I can control it~

But y I cant? Cant even say no? when did I start so hard to say a word? Wat holding me bac? Wat am I considering so much? Wat? Tel me wat?~ plz~ tel me~

I dun wan changed to be lik tis, I dun wan, but wat im facing now make me change, even the environment around me~ I juz, lost of control~ im not longer myself~ im not~ tat’s wat I hate the most~

I keep telling myself everything going to be okay, everything wil come to an end, but I was like waiting too long, n I, lost my patience, in a sudden~

No one tat I can tell my problem, no one tat I can share wat am I so suffering, I dun wan become so pessimistic, but I juz, cant!!!

Well, I need more time mayb, tat’s the only excuse for myself, to feel better~

Let me go, if can~

Let me be myself, if im allow to~

Let me get bac the thing which I had belonged to~

Peace….juz peace…..