~Now on...~

i do believe in fate and faith~

been so many days, my life, wasnt my days at all~

Sometimes i juz wondering, y do i so mind about wat other ppl said?

that's none of their business but mine~ im the one who should handle all these~ so, from now on, i wan to become a brand new me~

i do believe in myself~ but today, juz today, i was in the mood who wanna ignore the outside world~ i hate everything i saw n everything i heard~ watever, juz watever~

is really damn tiring if every single things i need to think again n again~ no point, isnt it?

okay~ take everything easy, make life easier~

juz follow my gut feelings~ everything wil going fine~

i decided~ so pray hard for me~

all the best everyone~

To my Angeline, believe in me, everything going to be alright~ stay happy and believe in faith~

~C, im not always pessimistic~

oh yeah~ woohoo~ feeling good when sweating.... juz after playing badminton with my best buddy~

well, i really should do sport more frequently~ last time, there were always lot of excuses, asthma la, this la, that la...now i dun care ady, i can do watever i wan.....include the sports i like~

i miss the time while jogging with my mum n dad......i miss the time we played badminton at least once a week with my cousin.........i miss those days running on the field during every PJ periods.......basketball, netball, squash.......wow~ n i wont forget hiking as well~

yeah, i really wish tat i can juz b a young ppl and full of energetic......i love sports, but y i juz keep giving myself a lot of excuses? i should do something and try my very best......

okay, deal~ i decided, i wil take part in sports carnival next year......

a lot of new things waiting me discover them. i wan to change, i wan to try something new......

and a brand new me, will be exist......^^v

~I Doubt....~

i was in the room, with a throng of new faces. I did not know, since when, i started to fear of this kind of environment~

i smiled, i said something~ but i still, not comfortable with this place. coz, i din feel tat i belongs to one of them~

i was lik waiting for something i dun even know wat is tat......my name? hope? or wat?

tat's not important for me, juz i started to doubt, bout my capability~

it's tat something tat i did had not been satisfied by others? or wat i should do but i din?

it's okay~ i told myself.....not a big deal~ juz a failure tat i'd long time never met~

so i tel myself, there r still waiting for me at somewhere.....

~Numb3rs~

again~ something tat i cant find a way out~

well, the moment i get to know the numbers, i kept silence~ coz i think there's the way, to cover, the disappointment of mine~

juz wonder y, n i was doubting~ my problem? perhaps~

But one thing for sure, i done all the best of mine, tat wat i can do ~

anyway, jz trying not to think the same thing~ same way~

i should learn how to c thing differently~

again, dun show me the same face~ dun think wat u thinking about me ~ the more you wan to show ur generous, the more i feel ur happiness~ n the more, i feel u being sarcastic~

juz the numbers, wat do i thinking tat much?

it's not worth it~ to waste my time n strengths to think all these~
so i should stop, stop doubting myself~

im learning, not to care~

~Say hi to November~

do u feel tat? time, is speeding~

not fair isnt it? we r not allow speeding on the highway, but y time is allowed?

watever~

It's a new month~ Everytime when i feel my bday is coming soon, i know, year of 2007, is ending~

watever it is, today, when i opened my eyes n realized today is the first day of a new month, i decided, i wan to change, change to better life~

It's a good thought, i think~

Enjoy dude~

~It's time...~

yeah, here again~

well, everyone has their own future, n wat about mine? i think, it's time to think....think deeply about my future~

i dun even realize that, it is time~

yday, the person in charge of University South Australia paid a visit to my college and so there was a chance given for those student who would lik to study there to ask her plenty of questions. so i was there~

my mind start to imagine....all the stuff about the decision will be made.....

watever the decision will be...i wan to change my life....i wan to have some different....i dun wan to disappoint anyone who love me....i dun wan to miss the chance......

i hate to compare, i hate to make a decision which i will never regret....

but it's hard....so hard........

~Differences~

when a person in a bad mood or not enough sleep, normally they will act extremely different~ tat's wat i found, in me~

watever, there are many differences in our lives.....different ppl, different brain, different thought, different reaction......bla....bla.....bla......we cant expect anything of these....it's hard to predict......

recently, i dunno y do i so mind...when someone keep reminding bout how different am i with other girls....well, i wonder.....i dun think tat there are two different people who totally the same.....everyone has their unique, isnt it? so it's tat my fault?

i dun care how different am i~ but someone made me wonder~ do they have a brain as well?

i do hav a brain, n a heart~ i might look like a tough gal, but yet, im stil a gal~ dun think tat i dun mind~

mayb it's different, but i stil da same~

~y is tat so hard?~

why is tat so hard for me to take everything easy?

it's a long night for me...really long night~ n i wonder why~

is tat really hard for someone living their days all alone? i hate to find no one to talk to sometimes~ no one will be so kind wasting their precious lifetime juz listen to my making sense theories... they are not anyone of me, n it really made me ympathize myself~ am i really tat pity gal?

i get used to it, din i? n so y is tat so hard for me?

it's okay, isnt it?

i strong enough and so do not need to share every little thing to anyone~ i can juz keep it to myself~

dun looking at me as u think~ im not naked, n i hav a brain~

~Caffein...~

have u tried tat u do something without go thru you brain? or say something juz slip out your tongue? recently, i always~ n i dunno why~

yday, i was chatting with my fren, n he mentioned bout coffee~ he reminded me, how long tat i din drink coffee? it's really long long ago~ without think twice, i went into kitchen n get a pack of 3 In 1 Hazelnut White Coffee~ boiled the water and after few minutes the coffee was served~ it's really a nice taste, n i really like it~ n the time i sipped and finished the coffee~ i regretted~

i realized, i stil da same old me, i thought, i was changed...but i din~ i stil the same~

y am i so careless? y am i never care bout myself? can i forgive this mistake? ya, of coz, juz a little small mistake i did, but wat made me such a bad feeling? juz a little phobia~

i had forgotten my mum warning me not to drink a cup of coffee all by myself, coz im not able to do so~ the consequences after i drink it, i wil only get nausea, dizzy and feeling not well~ again, i suffering with all these for my whole night~ i deserved it~

it's been a long time i suffered with health problems~ when can i stop it?

~Why...~

here i am again~ n plz dun expect im going to share ady happy fairytales~ i do not hav any~ n normally when i came here, most probably all bout my feelings n emotions~ sorry, if i disappointed u~

everyone has their diff style for blogging~ i do hav my own style as well~ if u wan to critique or watever, ur business~ me express myself, is mine business~ do i juz mind my own business~

dunno y, juz dunno y, very weird but stupid feeling existed again~ which i hate it, really hate it~

evening, suddenly wan to find some pic n so i opened my folders, n i found, alot of memorable pics~ for anyone who had taken pic with me, must be my frenz~ here is my theory~ some, stil hanging around with me, but some, none~ diff categories tat i can categorize with the levels of keeping in touch with me, there are always, sometimes, seldom, rarely and even none~

i juz feel uncomfortable n upset~ everybody is changing, even me myself~ we used to be so close to each other, but y there is no more for now?

i can do something for it, i suppose, but i juz din do anything n standing at the same place~ everyone is moving n where am i? the feeling is so hurt~ deeply~ but i understand~

i understand tat everyone has diff life, diff stories in every single day, diff ppl they met, diff things they experienced with.....all juz so different~ n mine diff with them as well~ nothing tat i can do to change it~ even if i try hard to change, there is no point anymore~ really~

am i able to cope it? i need time~ the more tat i can hav~

~I'd been awaken when September was ended~

for almost 19 years, i still cant figure out, why, time passed so fast n yet no one can slow it down~ i wan to stop it if i can, but i know, it's impossible~

so now, another new month begin~ It's October~ i dunno y, y it is so hard for me to believe today is the 2nd day of the 10th month~ 2007, almost end~ n im getting old~

i din mean to be so pessimistic, but juz wat my true feeling~ complicated feeling~ trying to simplify it~ if u can help?

finally finished my essay for PSY103, i din know y i used so much time to complete it~ anyway, i still done one of my missions~ yeah, juz one of it~

yday b4 i went to bed, i watched one of the episodes of Grey Anatomy 1st season~ finally i finished downloaded it, so i watch it~ juz first episode, i thx god tat im not a medical students so im not a doctor-to-be~ it will be a nightmare for me, i can assure this~ really proud of my best buddies, who studying medical one in Russia n one in Indonesia~ 2 little poor girls, no, i cant call them lik tat anymore. they stronger than any others~ Doctor, wat a mighty ambition which not everyone can afford to~

i used to dream to be a doctor when i was a St.John member~ it's feel great when i succeeded to stop the bleeding~ it's feel great when someone say thx to u~ it's really great, but i din know since when, i got blood phobia~

but i think the most toughest to be a doctor is when face the life n death~ how r u going to tel patients' family that their love one is passed away? how r u going to handle if someone in front of u struggling to survive but yet a long beep sound show tat he was failed n died?

i start to worry, since now im a psychology student, am i able to control my emotions n feelings? if someone tel me their prob, i need to be tough to let them rely on me, but how if i cry with them? if someone i has counseled b4 end up with suicide? arh... watever, juz watever~

stop to think too much~

i cant handle it now but mayb in the future, i can~ no one knows wat going to happen in the next second~ will b alright~ it's okay~

~No more bad lucks...plz~

it's been a long time i din updated my blog here~

it's so hard for me to describe my life recently....

i dunno wat wrong with me, but im sure, devil is always with me~ n caused all the bad things happened on me~

i wonder how could it happened? so unfair~

watever, i keep telling myself, take all these as my challenges~ wil b alright~ wil b alright~

at least, there is someone, always support me~

~I need a break~

is tat insane to ask for more time given? i wonder.... but i really need more time~

assignments due date all pack together, everytime i look at the calendar with colourful marks with diff colour highlight pens. i feel stress~

it's enuff, i wan to shout tis out loud~ by the time i wan to shout, scream hardly as i can, my mind think deeply, can i really blame on time but not me? im the one who feel lazy sometimes, i was the one who delayed the works. so all were my fault~ aiks.....

now at home, so of coz wat i feel juz home sweet home~ i wan to hav a short break, but y i stil keep myself sitting in front of the comp n staring at the screen? it hurts my eyes, and my back~

okay, i keep telling msysel, i stil hav time~ no matter how i mourn or how i blame, the clock stil ticking round n round~ so im gotta do something, for no regret~

~Famine 30++ hour....~

Sunday, it's really an unforgettable day for me~ but not only becoz of i went tis camp.......

well, it's really great experience to join this 30 hour famine camp....As a volunteer and chose to be a group leader~ it was my first time to join this camp, n gonna b a leader, totally not an easy task...but it's challenging~

the more details and photos, plz visit www.wretch.cc/blog/abbytan~

n so right after the camp, when i on my way bac....i lost my wallet.......!!!!

yeah, sad thing.....i need few more days to accpet the truth thoroughly~ many things i need to be done~ aiks......

wil b alright i think~ wil b okay~ thx to everyone....to be with me~

~I need some rest n giv me a silence nite~

these few days, something goes wrong with me~ i feel it, but i cant say it~

i know tat im not the only one, among all of us, who is the one has the problem? or all of us? i wonder...~

it was irritable, when my ears cant bear the noises~ every single word went inside my ears was hurtful~ y i bear it in mind? it's not good for my health n soul...not good, yeah....it's not good~

im trying to simplify all complicated stuffs, n remind myself tat's nothing~

i hate the feeling of uncertainty~no matter wat i doing, wat i thinking, the clock still running, the days gone day by day, n i hav no time to complete my works, but the calendar on my desk keep reminding me how many days i left, the feeling is juz lik im waiting for devil to bring me go far far away, there is place, call hell~

can i juz stop it? stop everything....stop the earth turning round n round....~ juz, plz stop~

watever, i gotta rest a while..n refresh my mind~

2ml im going to 30 hour famine, as a group leader, i know tat is a challenge for me~ juz hope everything goes smoothly....everything will b alright~

so plz giv me a silent nite~

~Yesterday, 911~

do u still remember? 11th of September....a day, a history, a legend and a gal, a fren, came from a paradise....

911, was a terror, but it doesnt affect me much, coz in this day, all my frenz n family still with me~

but 911, is a day, i wil never forget~ it's a special day, of my best fren now in heaven~ she is my angel~

My angel, i sent u a letter, i'd written down all i wan to say, plz make sure, u read it~

Happy Birthday, Heng Yee~

i miss u so much~ as i promised u years before, when i think of u, i din cry, but i smile~ i did it~ it wont be sad anymore after u left me for years, but i do miss u, really miss~

always take gd care, okay? stay cute~

luv ya~

~Not now....~

yeah..got cha~

2day, i heard tis word for few times....the MCs really talked a lot but they were funny~ ^^

yeah, i went to the training of 30 hour famine for volunteers at Bukit Jalil~ everything was okay, until i fell down on da floor n sprained my right leg....then met a guy which i kinda scare of when the training came to the end...everything seemed wrong...til now~

i dunno whether i should say something at this moment....i dun think i should, if not, i wil regret for whole of my life~

i know me well, i cant think positively when i feeling not well, feeling not uncomfortable....there r something tat we should or shouldnt say.....but it's hard to decide n differentiate~ i need to be alone~ i need to rest my mind n my physical body~

it's my fault, i know it longer than everyone else... n everything i did something without go thru my mind, i do feel bad n guilty~ it's enuff to feel tat way.... really enuff~ i wil hate myself even more~ it's right to voice out from our heart.... i understand....~

watever, juz watever.... it's not important at all~ i had decided, then y i stil make it complicated? it din serve any purpose~

sorry, i lost the only way to voice out~ i think, it's al my fault~ i shouldnt, from the very beginning...........~

~I think i....~

It's been a long time i din feel this way...well, how long? i dun even know how many years....

i hate tis feeling, although it feels good sometimes...coz i was lost n nervous...i dunno wat i should or shouldnt do...even care bout my every step....am i walk in proper way? haha....watever.....tat moment, i care bout wat other think bout me~

i do believe in fate, wat we called in chinese is 'Yuan'....i always believe tat, tat's the thing why two diff ppl can meet each other, why we have frenz, y we have our family members, n why we find a life partner.....there r not only 2 ppl exist in a whole world, it's fate bring us together......do u agree? or do u hav any more scientific theory to explain this? plz tel me.....

since i shifted to here, everyday i gotta take lrt n bus, the more ppl i wil c exp when i hav morning class which is the peak time for always every public transportations...i like to observe, i like to c diff ppl in diff behaviors....but the journey is tiring, esp when met the unfriendly stranger or driver....ok, come to my point, so all these ppl who had taken the same train or same bus with me, once n several times or always, is tat means tat tis is fate? i wonder......haha~

watever, today, not really a good day for me....my foot was get hurt....pain!!!!

~September...~

~wake me up...when september end.....~

is a song which is so familiar n when now, we are in september....so everybody sing......*wake me up....when september end.............*

early in da morning.....everyone woke up juz to sign up for tutorial groups~ yeah, tis is Malaysian culture, we r all kiasu ppl, included myself of coz...everyone scare cant get the group we wan~ tat's the nature of human~

yeah, nature of human...recently i keep thinking bout tis.....nature of human~

since we said tat certain attitude r nature of human, then is tat means tat even something offensive we can juz consider it as nature of human?

tat's the only reason i can accept......tis nature of human, is self-centered~

i shouldnt think tat much, i know tat.....but how if i was hurt bcoz im the one who always been offended? i was trying tat i dun care, make joke with it n pretend tat's okay for me~ but i juz dun und y they din think twice b4 they speak?

i talk less these few days, at college, at home.....i more prefer when im alone, at least i can watever i wan to....i did mean i tend to isolate myself, but juz for a short while, i can talk to myself n tel myself, everything is okay~

tat's the way i live.....

okay, it's time to start hardworking.....i tel myself, i wil juz try all my best.....n hopefully it wont be so tough for me~ God bless me....plz.....

~Nite @ Feeling~

well, it was a nite, with feelings~ but well, juz simple feelings~

how many days had been gone n yet im stil da same old me with the same emotions + feelings n plus the expressions which totally againts my true feelings?

should b stop, i need to stop~

so i decided, leave the place for a while where i no longer bear it, juz one nite, n tat's enuff~

no one's fault, but me~ i know it clearer than any others~

i went to Feeling cafe, i ordered the food without considering the price lik wat i used to~ n so i feel nice~ sorry, mum, i spent money without think twice~

everything going to b alright~ im sure~

i walked out from the shadow, no more struggling whether i should apologize or shouldnt i~ yeah...im not allow myself to slow down my footstep~ i hav to go on, there is a long way.....long long way~