¬Moving .... ¬

Do you know Jack Savoretti?
The first time I listened to him, was watching Grey's Anatomy ...
The second time, was from his profile ...
and the first time I saw him,
thought I would be there with him, seeing him ...
but things changed, things happened ...

I was sitting there, with the overwhelmed emotions...
Listening to the same old songs,
but nothing is remaining the same ..

-- Whatever happened to the dreamers,
They always look beyond the sky,
Saw a world they could believe in,
but only when they close their eyes.

When I close mine, I see him everywhere.
whenever I think of my life without him,
that's a little pain in there...

After all, Nothing's ever been this way before
A dream is just a dream and nothing more...

You scared of the promise,
and the unknown future.
Just a little courage to move on,
but it has always been hard for you
are you scared of the truth?
is the wrong way just right for you?
i'm just waiting to see
if you'll wait for me
don't let the music die
we're playing songs from different times
i'll let you say goodbye
on another day, but not today

So you think that I'm harder than easy,
And you find me as strange as the truth
I’m as guilty of judging as you are,
But the difference is I don’t judge you

We’re old enough to know,
promise is not always like the one in fairytales.

---------------

Wearing like an office lady is definitely not my things
Getting use to the new routine
Making sure that I'm all good in whatever I'm doing
Even rain and thunder,
I'm still walking ...

I'm not that best
Who deserves no one
You're just like him, him, and him
Said that I deserve a better one
But never
Never ask me what I need
or who I wanna be

I'm on my own
Doing it my own way

I got so much to learn
I got so much to lose ....

_____________

Surprisingly, I'm fine ...
at least, I've said goodbye, even with my tears on ...

Will be fine ....

You might see the pictures of me, with smiling face, and happy moments,
but you won't be able to see,
how much pain deep down that you've caused ...



I will still moving on...

and on ...

Don't Speak

A song, from Gwen Stefani, when she was still in the group of No-Doubt ...
I can't recall back when's my first time listened to this song,
but I know, is a long long time ago.

Song is always telling the truth, or so to speak,
it's created by the human being anyway.



I woke up, from a nightmare.
This is not the rare case,
when I've been labeled as a human who thinks a lot.

and this song, keep playing, inside my mind, again and again.

I never really deny the judgment of human-who-thinks-a-lot,
somehow, I know,
I am, kind of ...



Doesn't really matter ... Everyone has the unique way to live ...




Taking a deep breath, and guess there's something no need to be explained.

and when things happened again and again,
too much consumption of energy or mentally stress out,
I would rather just stop thinking and simply make a decision.


Say is always easier than take an action.



Don't tell me, cause it hurts ..
I know what you're thinking ..





Uncertainties .. never come to the end.
But it couldn't be forever ...

Guess, It's time, to be someone, who takes the initiative..



It's always not easy ...
but can I just ,
don't speak, and you get it?

Summer's Rain

Woke up in the Summer's morning
Get dressed and the colourful sandals
It's supposed a sunny day
but it starts to rain once I step out from the flat

I didn't bring the umbrella with me
because it's not supposed to be rainy
It's summer ...
Oh Summer's rain!

Drinking a large cup of sugarless coffee
Thanks David finally see me
He left and the works are accompanying me
Sitting at the corner and
Staring at the running crowd
who trying hard to get a shelter

No one is ready,
for the Summer's rain
Nobody is expecting,
the unpredictable raining

Weather ...
Just like women,
oh ...
so unpredictable
oh ...
it's not supposed to



Summer's wet;
Summer's dress;
Summer's thoughts.

Nothing,
is predictable.



Like,

Summer's Rain

No, Turning Back

Taking a deep deep breath.
Once I opened my eyes in Thursday morning, and realised tomorrow is already Friday.
Isn't a day that excited me.
Surprisingly, is a rare case.
My heart is beating fast, I'm feeling uneasy and just, don't feel right.

I have to do something else to distract me a little.
Just a weird feeling that I couldn't put them in words.

Listening to Jack Savoretti again, then John Mayer, then The Fray.

I hope, music can make me calmer.

I have to find out what's going wrong.



If there's a song can make me calm
I won't feel unease and you will come
I would rather sing than crying
Like the whole world is taking care of me

if taking a deep breath works on me
I need stronger wind to give me the intensity
and I will have the courage to save me
which is make myself disappear

I would rather go away than staying
Sick of the comfort zone and do nothing
I need a life which makes me whole
One day, I will stop trying

Summer's thoughts

It's Summer now!
Yea.. It's summer!

It's funny when I feel home and I can start wearing like what I used to wear in M'sia.
Somehow, I came to realise I don't use to wear them anymore!
Weirdo I am.
and again, I came here for almost 9 months and get slightly fairer and now I just used one day to get tanned again! =p ... It's so hard to avoid and sun is alluring.

I still feel like I'm in the holiday, but too bad, I have to start busy again, then have 2 weeks break and spend time with my sisters, then I will be real busy again till end of August....

Being a fighter is always not easy but that's life, I can't skip it so I go through it.

Still not quite sure what are the options for my future roads, and I want myself to be more patient and one day, which is very soon, I will know. I will know....

Back from Germany, it's already the fifth nights without him.
I'm not counting but somehow it comes to my mind.

We will be fine, he said.
So I remember it.




Most of us have foolish ideas about who we are and many, many rigid rules about how life ought to be lived. This is so true, isn't it?

Life is always filled with infinity...



----------------------------------------------------

Life is really very simple, what we give out, we get back.
What about this?

~Harder than Easy~

This song, keep repeating~
A song, by Jack Savoretti.

Yeah, the mode of Acoustic.
So I closed my eyes, and listening to the rhythms.

and I was in the world of peace.

It's not that hurt as I used to, when the shadow of you appeared in my dreams.
Again.

I always forced myself to wake up from the dreams, you're not worth to be in my dreams.

Truth, is always something hurtful.
and especially that's not the things you'd expected.

Or I should say, having an expectation, is the mistake that I had made.

I'm actually hate you, when I discovered that you're hanging me with the strings and I was the puppet. I dont event have the right to control, to control my own actions. You were there leading me all the way and left me all alone in the deadend and never say goodbye.

and so after weeks or months, I came to realise that I was the only puppet.

It's easy to breath, It's easy to speak, It's easy to see.
but there're things, harder than easy.


Even I'm listening a song that singing of my feelings,
that's a strong feeling that I would like to demolish.

But this time, I stopped myself for asking whoever the Why questions.

Why that I'd been chosen? Why I met a worst ever person in the world?
Why am I still thinking of the devil? Why I'm still writing about you?




So I stopped, and trying hard to persuade my mind, to stop.




I just want you to sing me a love song, for the one last chance.





Is that harder than easy, too?

~Signal Off~

It's the first day of Chinese New Year of Tiger and yeah, the very first time I celebrate cny in London.

Far away from home seems like something depressive, but that's okay.
Received a call from family early in the morning yesterday and friend's dad was here to celebrate cny with his dearly son.

How lovely is that! and we get to tumpang the happiness by sharing the yummilicious cny biscuits all the way from Malaysia!

and yes, the ang pao! I thought I will never get the ang pao for this year! But surprisingly, wow! wow! ... Thanks Chris and Uncle! :)

We did have a reunion dinner yesterday, with my lovely girls and whole gang of Malaysian friends. A very DIY cny coz many things we need to do it by ourselves if we wanted to eat. and yeah, all the nice food and steamboat! Just we never get to finish all of them!

Drank few Mojito and few shots of Jagermeister!
Not that bad, just everyone was getting a little bit crazy with the drunkenness!
Luckily I'm not included.

People sometimes are crazy but with the alcohol effects, we get to see another faces of someone.

We had fun!

Other than the truth that I just realised.

Is all the guy the same?
I hope someone tell me it's not!
I need someone to tell me it is not!
if not, how could I still believe in any guy?

I'm not quite sure but I stopped to listen and I stopped imagining he told everybody.

and how could I still thinking of someone who're not deserved to?


So it's okay!
Again, that's always a factor to cause me to remain silence.
and I will never talk again.


Never ...


another 3 years?

I am the one who caused this cycle, and it never stops happen, no matter how hard I tried to change.




I'm moving on my life again with the signal off.
and remain, all alone in the journey.




it's hardly to make me believe, once again....

An hour...

An hour difference ...
only ...

but the distance, clearly state the relationship between two strangers.

At least I'm trying ... trying to be not go beyond the limit.

No one set the boundaries but me.

Sometimes, that's better.

You want something positive? Normally I don't. Not that I'm a pessimistic, but I'm trying not to wear the mask when I get really tired of it. Even one i'm going to face with someone that I truly want to just be myself?

I'm positive most of the time, but you never see.



so What's wrong?




Trying hard to not bump into you randomly and trying hard not to say hello and trying hard not to take initiative and...

trying hard not to miss you!


Damn it! ....






Just, an hour difference.

American Style of Love?

Great that no one is gonna read this blog ever, since it's been abandoned by the owner for quite a long while.

I thought the beginning of this new year, I made it awesome.

While I was looking at the fireworks, that's one thing I promised to myself.
At the moment I kissed, that's the end.
New Year...New start....New hope....New Love!

But I don't get it, since the conversations few days after the night.
I'm avoiding and he's ignoring.
I never get to know what's in his mind, but I get it.
Completely......


Somehow, for some reasons, It's not fair...


Curiousity kills the cat,
so I never ask, and I'm doing good in controlling myself.

No one was dare enough to rise up the topic again, No one!

and I think that's better, for us.


Pretend like nothing happened,

just like when Nate had no one to talk to and find Fanessa, after he got everything he wants, that's all!

Pretend like nothing happened, ever~



Can't you imagine how stupid?

but how could I?
How could I ...


I wish I could stop The Moffats continue singing I miss you like crazy....




but I failed ...






I just hate to see that I really miss you!
and I know better than no one...
that's pretty stupid...


so I'm the idiot that your mum warned you about...











Watching "Gossip Girl" this holiday wasn't a good idea, ever~

~When the immune system does the talking....~

I'm freaking need someone to talk to, but sadly, I found no one.

So here am I, and realized this blog have been abandoned by me for almost a year.

Unbelievable!

Too much things happened in this whole year but just as usual.

Cést la vie~

I thought nothing can really fight me down, because I'm always survived.

No matter how hard it could be.

Like the critical period now, lots of assignments are waiting for me and guess what?

I'm sick!!!

It's already the 3rd day.

I thought I should get fully recovered by now.

But sore throat is getting pain, and also my whole body due to the severe cough and flu.

I dun even have strength for a cough now. and I almost finish a roll of toilet paper.

The worst thing is, I don't even know what should I eat!

I tried my very best to stay awake after I had enough rest.

I need to keep my works loading.

I don't have much time to do it, I don't even get a chance to procrastinate.

Alright.

What's wrong?

Should I solely blame on my weak immune system or my living lifestyle or whatever?

I just need to blame on something, at least only for this moment.

Give me a reason , please!!!

~No more second chance...~

Still having my finals week~ But it's okay~
3 more days to go, 2 more paper to fight~
I can still handle it I guess, yeah....I GUESS~

I keep myself busy for quite a long while~
and busy is not tat bad sometimes....it helps~

Once I slow down my pace...
I realized, I've missed out quite a number of memories that I should have, or even someone that I could share my everything~

Well, I always not the one who will take the initiatives....and this is definitely stick with my mindset~ No, means no~

Someone may say, why am I, so cruel, stupid or watever negative term that they think is suitable to describe...
but do believe that, everyone does something with a motive, purpose.....but not all the time, I know.....

A lot of counterfactual thinking fill in my mind..... and I think.... I juz good in creating imagination~


no more.....
second chance.........

~All the matters of, communication~

Is always a poor thing that I am here again...
Sometimes frenz were asking why am I having two blogs at the same time?
I have my good reasons but I wil never tell~

Well, tomorrow has an assignment due date and now Dr.Goh is lecturing but yet, I can still multitasking like what am I doing right now....

It's been I while that I was being negative....
Since the days I cried inside the toilet after the phone called and talked with the two sisters, Jungle was back again, the positive one.

Tried to avoid calls to prevent myself not getting any negative influences.
and it works, I feel better...and everyday thinking of something happy that glad the existence of me made changes.
and I tried new things, like learn new dance that I ever tried before...

but there are something that I feel sick of...again, human being is always need to communicate...and conflicts occured once we disconnected to others and not communicate to each other.

That's y I talk, no matter there are happy things to share with, or the hurdles I meet in the midway of some progress, or express my own feelings and thoughts....etc...etc.....i juz talk......

the moment i lost the ability how to talk, is when I feel helpless and wondering why all these things happened? and....thinking am I juz did a mistake?

so I scared when someone juz doesnt wan to talk to me and I totally have no idea why? even if tat's really my mistakes, I wil stil love to talk instead of long stupid silence or juz walked away like nobody business. of coz...it is especially for someone who I really care........

Silence kills me...
Like a human urge to breathe to get oksigen.

everything will stil turn better, but the process of it, is never be easy.....
once I never talk, I wil never be okay.....

~Secrets...hard to keep~

When there is no way that allowed me to walk on, here am I...

It's been a while, here, has been abandoned by the OrangeJungle~

But no matter how, here is still the place that allow the jungle to escape, even just for a little short while~

Yeah...I had bad days...

when I found myself be the useless one, when I realized that I'm the one who messed everything up~ ...... I do not know, what are the feelings inside of me. Disappointed? Helpless? or juz simple depressed?

Not that easy I would say...

Having said that, coz I'm a complicated and unpredictable creature....

I having tough times, during this critical period...
I tot I can handle it quite well,
I tot what else that I never been through?

but things juz happened and it never allows me to get ready to face all these....

I wish I was there but I was not and I couldn't.
I wish things never happened but yet this is always a dream for me and haunted me in my dreamlands....
I wish everyone can juz understand what I had been gone through but there're somethings that I shouldn't tell.

Not tat I wan to go through all these all alone. No one likes to being alone.
I know Im not alone, that's the only thing I appreciated my existence.

The history, made me...
The stories, was killing me...

Long journey to go, but I start to curious when and where is the end of my journey?

I juz want to breathe...
but I know it wont be until I know how to communicate...
How to lead myself out of my way and find a bright way...
How to walk through...
How to cure.....

I have a plan...
I wan to run far far away...

It's okay if there is no one beside me and trying to be supportive...
sometimes things, is still better to keep for ourselves....

That's y secret is beautiful with the unknowns...

~Nonsense~

It's been a busy month...
Everyone is stressed out because of the midterm papers, experiments, assignments, meetings.....

Wow, we r not robot...
How I wish I am a good multitasker....

Busy, busy, and busy...
It becomes a word to describe my life and I found it sad....so sad....to be just busy all the time....

Friends and family, r both important for me.
They are the reasons I continue my busy life, with they supporting me~

Somehow, I find it hard to read people's mind, too~

How much do you understand me?
Do you really understand me?

I would like to say,
Human is complicated...
and it takes my whole life to understand a person.
Why is that so hard to be understood?

I should dun bother to think about it....
It's wasting my time...
right?




Arh....what a nonsense Im talking about?




>,<

~Remember, Remember.....September gone and October is here~

How's everyone?　

It's been a while I din update anything here. Not that I have nothing to talk about...juz recently, life is always dramatic....I wanted to share it....but somehow....I lost my words.....to talk about my life.......

Sometimes, I always appreciate to be who I am...
Sometimes, I will blame for few minutes why these things happened to me....
Sometimes, I cried for nothing and it didn't made me feel better....
Sometimes, I happy to have all my beloved friends around me....
Sometimes, I miss home and I know Im going to suffer homesick again and again.....
Sometimes, I doubted on my existence......
Sometimes, I hate all the failures which caused by me....
Sometimes, I understand no one is perfect but I still trying to be.....

Whatever....Life without stories is not a life anymore....

Juz a period of time in my life......

Go through it.....no matter how, no matter wat.......

~What my Name means~

Well, it's been a while I never blog here.
Not tat i'd abandoned here, it juz sometimes, I dun really feel I wan to blog here.

Many things have come and go, and I think this is wat we mean, Life~

Within few months,
for what had happened, happened...
and Im trying to be the person who never looks back, even though we do have the memories~
Whatever~
Juz, watever~

This new semester, is so challenging that I can say. *I trying to be positive*
Wish, Hope, Pray...
Will be alrite....will be....alrite~

well, there is a link about what my name means.
Which I found it quite accurate....

TanShuLing means,

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.
You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.
You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.
Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way.
And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life.
You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.
You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.
Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

~That's a Song~

She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

It's one of my favorite songs recently, sing by Taylor Swift.
Everytime I listening this song, I feel so sad....
I wonder how if I am the one who sing it and mean it?
It's so heart breaking~

Din know that I was related with this song indirectly.
and the 'she' or 'her' in the song is referring to me....

I can understand her feeling....so so much~
complicated feeling at the moment while i was reading the story~

No one's fault, I know...

I can understand her feeling, his feeling, but confusing of mine feeling~

I do not want to complicate everything.

so yeah, I believe in him, I believe that time will heals the wound~

Everything is going to be okay~

Wishing her....with wholehearted~

it's a new beginning for me...and i wan it last....as long as it can be.....

Trust is all it means....

~I feel the love, in the air~

I am not in the control right now...Yeah....I juz...crying my heart out~

Juz suddenly, I opened the old files and start viewing all the pics~

And I started to blog...about the stories, about Turtly and Fishy in the Jungle....happily ever after....

Im so so glad, to have them with me...all these while~

From the day we know each other, we created all the stories by ourselves...there are happy and sad episodes...but no matter how, we gone thru it...until now....

Love you all so much...so so much~

At the same time, chatting with my dear sister and we talked about our lives. Again, crying....

Family is my everything, never regret to be one of the members in this family~ It's my proud...to having them.

and so, i thinking of him...a guy who existed in my life~

I wonder y am i so lucky to be loved by all of them.....

I wonder y am i so lucky?

N so i cry...becoz of touching~

The love, is in the air.......

~As long as, I am not~

Recently, there were bad days and good days taking turn in my life.

there are so much misunderstandings, conflicts, doubts....

but all past....all is my history~

Im not materialistic~
I wasnt not enough~
I wasnt not appreciate~

I love, I care, I mind~

It's okay, as long as u understand...Im not like tat, at all~

~Not sure~

The very first time I sitting in a place where I can surf the net and even blogging here~ Yeah....is a place tat is quite strange....

I just dun feel lik going bac and facing something tat I not comfortable to cope with~ I lost myself in this very moment~ Completely..

But I told myself, is a new start and should know how to let go and even learn give and take~

I know all these....but somehow, i stil lost myself~

I cant wait for the this coming thurs....I need someone to guide me, to the right way~

Facing her, I found I had lost my balance...esp when she do not know how to take care of herself~ And I even learned helplessness, but the other side of me dun wan anything happen on her~ I love her...really~ But I found myself lost the ability to express my care and love like i used to~ so wat's the matter now?

I still figuring out~

Will be alright~ I know~ I know there is at least someone always be with me~

^^v I should be glad for tat~

I just, not sure~