~As long as, I am not~

Recently, there were bad days and good days taking turn in my life.

there are so much misunderstandings, conflicts, doubts....

but all past....all is my history~

Im not materialistic~
I wasnt not enough~
I wasnt not appreciate~

I love, I care, I mind~

It's okay, as long as u understand...Im not like tat, at all~

~Not sure~

The very first time I sitting in a place where I can surf the net and even blogging here~ Yeah....is a place tat is quite strange....

I just dun feel lik going bac and facing something tat I not comfortable to cope with~ I lost myself in this very moment~ Completely..

But I told myself, is a new start and should know how to let go and even learn give and take~

I know all these....but somehow, i stil lost myself~

I cant wait for the this coming thurs....I need someone to guide me, to the right way~

Facing her, I found I had lost my balance...esp when she do not know how to take care of herself~ And I even learned helplessness, but the other side of me dun wan anything happen on her~ I love her...really~ But I found myself lost the ability to express my care and love like i used to~ so wat's the matter now?

I still figuring out~

Will be alright~ I know~ I know there is at least someone always be with me~

^^v I should be glad for tat~

I just, not sure~

~Ended, yet starting~

Once I switch on my computer like what I usually do, My friend nudged me and said, Welcome Back....I smiled......

It's a new start for me, everytime I came back from home....

I cleaned my house, unpacked my luggage, changed my bedsheet, and sitting in front of the comp and blogging~

It's bad everytime I found myself sitting at the corner and missing home, again~

but it's good, when everything seems new again~

Yeah...tat's wat I like, and at the same time, wat I hate.....

It's a new start, I told myself....

Every things which are bad, were gone....

It's ended....

But yet, I starting my new life~






all the best to myself~


^^v

Happy Dumpling festival~~~

~To be changed~

Oh yeah~ My body is moving with the beats, yeah, I got it~

Well, you know what makes me feel good?

I think, I'd found myself in the afternoon....Yeah, Im back~

The real me, is back~

I still can dance like who I used to be, I stil can sing till my heart out~

I still can do anything that I wan to~

That's all I want~

Yeah...just in a sudden, I realized....

This morning, I received an email and I know that my resume had been approved and now I have to wait for the teleinterview. Dunno y, I just strongly want the job~ Even though just as an intern and I wont be paid much. But I clearly know what I want.

I just want to move on, to know more people, to widen my social circle, to give myself a chance to learn, to explore, to experience.

That's the real me...not the one who only stand on the same place and never move.

What for to be pessimistic? What for to be sad for all what already happened?

Just the changes, inevitably one~

It's okay~ I should treat myself nicer.

I decided to move on, so I move on.

Do anything I like, with less consideration~


wish me luck friends~

Or may be, u can give me a chance too?


^^v


God bless~

~Move On~

Finally I'd done my assignment and I remember there is one sentence that I was trying hard to use creative way to write it.

"Once you open you eyes in the morning,
Look forward &
Smile away the pain & sorrow of yesterday."
- by OrangeJungle, 2008

Yeah, I used tat to remind me...move on~ move on~

Nothing is tat bad, when I willing to raise my head, and c wat is in front of me.

today, I went to MidValley, to meet up my friends who I know them in foundation.

The purpose of this gathering, is kind of like farewell, for my dearest fren, Hwan Jean~ She is going to australia in this coming July. Day looks wonderful talking with them...of coz, posing in front of the cameras is the funniest thing for today~ hahahaa........

yeah~ The gals, and the only guy for today, Jian. We all have fun, really~

Went to a kinda high-class restaurant with nice food....

everything juz great~

Yea...c, I can still move on, isnt it? Not tat bad...really....

^^v

~It's not too late~

Sometimes I juz lost, lost into la~la~ land...lost to no where~

there were many days many nights I'd lost myself~

I was trying so hard to find the way out~ I dun even know wat's wrong with me...I juz lost the ability to express myself. The feeling was hurting me, so much~

Finally, burst out and i thought it's gonna be okay after I cried...but it doesnt~

It's okay, at least, I better now~

Sometimes, when u realized life is not the bad~ There are people around me, care and love me~ Im not all alone...it's not too late, to realize tat~...

It's not too late~...

~Wednesday's Morning~

From yesterday, I put IL-Divo, Celine Dion and Westlife songs all into my playlists~

In this early in the morning, listening to the same playlist's songs, I feeling differently~

No worries, I feel much more better~

I dreamed yday, went into La~La~ Land n juz dreaming~ Not really remember wat my dreams all about, but at least not the bad one~

So, this morning seemed great~ I'd learned stg from my dreamz~

reminded me about 'LettingGo'~

Yupe, yupe~~~~

I think, I can focus and concentrate today~ Hopefully~

Have a nice day everyone~

~I'm not transparent~

Juz bac from the Lang Tengah~ but somehow, im not here to talk bout it~

I trying to balance up myself, but why things happened n made me feel the same way, repeat again and again~

I had a lot of fun, meanwhile, I felt something and I dunno wat the hell kept making my heart so pain~ I hope I would like to ignore all these....but I cant~

I cant even tell wat's wrong~

I hate tat I feel it tat way, hate it, so much~

I know, no one is intent here to hurt me~ Nonverbally, indirectly...n I even believe no one realize it~ but still, hurting me~

I lost the sense of belongingness and I feeling of my priceless existence cause trouble~

but somehow, I still here, physically, completely~

Do not keep me as innocence, I feel so noob~

Things juz come to me and no one there to tell me or at least give me a clue so I can get ready and face it~

That's me, n tat's nothing wrong to be myself....

sometimes the words, will lower a person self esteem~



I should stop, and keep myself busy~

~Here I Am~

Freedom juz not enough for me all the time~

I wan more, more, and more~

Even though my holiday was gone n my new semester juz started, but i dun care anymore~

As wat my friend John had said in the class, escape from the reality~

Even juz for a short while, but tat's wat I need, or mayb, wat we need~

Lang Tengah~ Here I come~

~In the five years future that we'd meant~

There is a promise I almost forgotten~ Thx God I've a good habit to keep myself a diary~

It's hard to describe the feeling of touch in the bottom of my heart~ The promise, means a lot for me~

I proudly announce to everyone~ I have a good friend, the best one that I can say~ We'd been through many days that I lost my count~ We used to share our feelings every night~ There is someone who gone through my old days with me~ N im glad I've someone listen to me n guided me when I was an innocent adolescence~

He get to know how was my feeling when we lined up during assembly by looked at my face~ He never hesitate to tell me the truth even though sometimes the truth hurt me~ He told me the right and wrong~ .........

I believe everyone of us used to imagine how r we going to look like in the future~ It's too fast to know when I realized we r already in the five years future that we'd meant~

I found that we had changed with the time flow non-stoply, but mostly of us remain the same~ We no longer chat everything and wat had happened in our daily lives~ With the hard days that I'd gone through, the face of me became hardly predict. Besides, we only meet each other once in a very blue moon and we began our own different lives~ That's life~ Inevitably which is understandable~

Even so, when the time we talked face to face, no matter how I'd changed, I felt the same old me was came bac~ That's real me without a mask, talking bout everything in our lives~

The nite, seemed too short for me~ So much thing tat i wanted to share i wanted to tell~ No secret, no sadness~ Openly, freely~

We both glad, to have each other, as a friend, in our lives~

I want to precious~ I will never meet another one like him~ I believe~

Thx~ Thx everything~

Wishing him always live happily with his beloved one~ He will always be~

A best friend, of mine~

~Easily~

I still relaxing at last moment~ I hate why am i so easily get affected~ So, cause me changed~

I having my holiday now, but as usual, HELP Uni Col always has the shortest holiday~ two weeks holiday but I only have few days relaxing myself at my home sweet home~ It's okay, I wanna spend it fully and juz rest~ I know, another hectic new semester is coming very soon, very soon~ It juz coming but somehow is already bothering me~ >,< I need help!!!

Is again the uncertainty matter, which i hate it but gonna face it all the time~

It is especially come to adapt the changes, again n again~

There r so much thing waiting for me~ Finish reading 'The Kite Runner', arrange my timetable for tis coming new semester, set my goal n plan a bit on my future, tis n tat...I'd planned to do all these but so much distraction n most importantly, I had been influenced and get demotivated~

I think, My brain having its holiday too~ Somehow I forcing it to function for me~ But it never works tis way~

I juz need more time to digest everything and figure things out~

Wil be alrite~

I juz wan to watch a movie, Or singing~

okay~ Juz relax~

I keep telling me this, but there is stg called 'regret' go through my mind and I asking myself how can I still in holiday n going to Lang Tengah next week which the stupid hectic short semester is already started?

But no point to regret tis, I shouldnt~ There is the place I wanted to go so much~ I shouldnt think tat much n complicated myself~ OKay, is time, to learn, how to let go~

Juz, easily enough~

~Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu~

Turning round and round and round~ There is the corner, I'd found~

I appreciate that, is not too late to realize~

Last weekends, I spent my day in 2 days 1 night camp~ INCOVAR Graduate Camp~ Organized by a team of experience and spiritual guys and gals~

It's been a long time, I guess since I came to this big city, I never join any religious activity other than went for churches few times brought by my frenz~

Finally, I had a chance, took part in a Buddhist camp~

Actually, it was a camp about future career~ I learned a lot more about corporate world out there~ Which is scary and full of realities~

Anyway, I too, learn about Interview Skills, Resume writing, managing career and career goals grooming and etc~ Im a student who juz stepping into Year 2, u think is tat too soon to learn all this? I definitely can say, NO~

This camp, 20++ participants in total~ Most of them are working people, and some of us still studying~ I think Fish & I were the youngest among all of them~ They had most experience speakers, awesome committee team members and also friendly participants who willing to share and care~

Asking me what had I learned, I found there r too much and I cant juz write it down all here~

It was diff from the buddhist activities tat I had been taking part before, maybe it was the first time I involved myself in English version camp~ I din know Buddhism is tat advance already~ They even have Hymns Singing, it sound a bit like those church songs~ but yet, is so nice to hear and sing altogether~

I know more about myself via Harrison Assessment, but it still shocked to know that i have most trait and suitable become a creative writer, poets or lyrists~ haha~

Meditation too, gave me peace and serenity~

Besides, I dun even know tat my email address cause trouble~ Maybe not yet, but soon will be~
orangejungle88@hotmail.com, means a lot to someone going to hire me in the future~ What impression u hav when u looking at this email? I juz curious...using it for around 10 years time, the first time i realize, while the time i growing up or growing old, nothing is permanent and need to change~

There is the lesson benefit me for my whole life, i believe~ Adapt to change and realize nothing is permanent in this universe~ and finally i found the reason why, Im such a indecisive person~ Becoz, I never learn how to let go~ Letting go, not becoz it sound chic or wat~ It is becoz the limitation a human being having and going through~ Nothing can be perfect and I hardly I can maintain everything good and best~ It juz all bout the matter of, Letting Go~


I do appreciate the new frens i get to know, even though we not really know each other in juz two days time~ Is always good to knw more people coz i always believe everyone of us has a particular and unique story hiding behind~ I love stories~

My heart, had been touched for several times and there r so much lessons I had learnt~

I appreciate everything tat i have~

~Is not really hurt, although is still hurting~

I tot i had stated it clearly, I tot that was obvious enough~

but i realized tat dun always tot about wat wat wat, but hav to think!!!

I din blame anyone gave me a lot of judgement, coz i caused all these~

I should say it directly, I should say it faster or even from the early beginning~

Again, no one to blame, but me~

Sometimes, there is always so much of uncertainty tat bothering me~

It made me do nothing in my further plan but stuck on it~ tat's really wat i hate the most~ i hate waiting for nothing~ I hate that I lied for nothing, too~ Dont u think it is understandable?

When there were too much changes tat i cant juz accept n nob my head.....i found myself hav the prob dealing with changes~

I juz wan to talk bout it~ talk everything tat i keeping in my heart~ I juz wan to find a way out~ BUt i guess the timing is not rite....so it led to misunderstand~

It's okay~ I juz hav no idea...y I still feeling hurts~

To be mature, is a lesson that everyone should learn all the time~ Even u r stepping into 20~ but the age doesnt mean tat u mature enough to handle everything which may happen or is already happening~ Our brain, will stil stuck in somewhere sometime~

~If I die...~

The moments in the kitchen still flashing in my mind~

I was thinking, if i juz die, dun cry for me~~~

Well, sometimes accident did happen....without giving u any sign~

I wondered how lucky I was...Juz one step different, I'd saved my life~

If the time the fire and the boiling water come to me, n burn my body...

I wont be here n typing telling wat had happened on me here~

So i do appreciate...but i was shocked, scared.......even now, still in unstable condition, with a bit hand shaking~

there r always a lot of assumptions my brain has making automatically, how if I kena burn n no one there since im all alone in this 'haunted' house? how if I cant even scream coz no one able to get into this house n offer their help? Am i able to save myself? all da way to upstair and call someone to help? All bout Home Alone!!! And I was suspicious....on my own~

I told my best fren thru msn....dun cry for me, if i die one day~

I get no response~ Mayb she was thinking how she going to response~

I know im stupid enough to say tat~ But tat's wat im thinking all the time~




Sometimes, i doubt in me~ I doubt, in everything~

~I can't blame~

There are plenty of times i tried to sort things out~ Since when I found it so hard to say something out, something from the bottom of my heart? ~

I can't blame that i have no one to listen to me, coz it's not the case~

It juz my prob, failing again and again~

Every things linking to each other and caused the now me~

I still remember the call right after i stepped out from the building after my 2nd paper exam~

I heard the worries~ But i do nothing and im not able to add in or say out the worries i feel~ It will only make things worst~ So, i keep it to me~ Dunno wat is the stupid disease bothering my dear sis~ Praying hard for her, will be alright~ Im sure~ Coz my sis is a super duper good people who i love so so much~

Especially talking with my mum~ I strongly feel wan to go bac home~ I juz miss home~ I have to be with them even though i do nothing for help~

Recently, all the stress juz come to me altogether!!! i tot im able to handle it, but somehow the emotional unstable on me proved before i speak~ I trying to be okay, be strong~ This period, is tough for everyone~ If im become one of the weak one, where is the balance that we should seek with?

I had a great moment in genting today~ enjoyed and had fun~ but somehow, there were times tat i feel wanted to cry~ when my dearest hugging me, when i feel the mist on the air.....today, is not a good day~ when i also experienced all the things tat happened which made me feel so insecure~

I hate everything but so helpless tat i cant change anything~

thing juz easy and im the only one who complicate and mess up everything~

Juz give me a breath~ when i realize, i strongly feel wan to cry but my tears juz not willing to come out~

somehow, i cant blame~

~I HATE everything, @ tis moment~

ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I juz want to scream, i hope i can scream~

Dunno wat's wrong with me again~ Is already the second time in today~~~~~

I woke up early but stuck half way n somebody and something made me felt wrong and i juz cant help it~ I stand up and wanted to calm myself down~ I feel like throwing thing but i cant~ i know i hav to control myself~

I juz hate~ Hate everything i do, everything i see, everything i hear, everything~
JUST EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!! if now, u wil get ur head chop off!!!!!

I hate...................me~ I hate to be compared and realized that i never really did well~

FINE~~~~~~~

JUZ FINE~~~~~~~~~

~6 o'clock in the morning~

yeah~ It's 6am~

I have to get away from my bed, even though still wearing the pyjamas, with half open eyes~

*YAWN*

Im tired~ But i found that i have no time!!!

ColourWolf once told me that his taekwando master said, "only dead people have no time!"

How true is it, but then, the conclusion i have is, I AM DEAD PEOPLE!!!

oh my gosh~

Tat's stg bad, real bad~

Anything la!!! I juz try my best to fight~

Am i able to do it? even me myself, asking bout it coz im doubting~

OKAY~ FINE~

~Dont complicated~

Well, this Sunday, is a bit different~

I cleaned all my stuff once i got off from my bed early in the morning and i made myself a cup of chocolate milk~

Yeah, I love it, so much~ Everything i did had brighten up my whole day, i hope~

I just heard a song, 'I'm Yours' by Jason Martz

Part of the lyric is touching my heart, deeply~

So i wan to share it with you all~

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
Ah, la peaceful melodys
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Is so true, dont u agree with it?

Our time, is so short~ why messed up everything and bothered every single details?

Anyway, i still learning, take thing easy, n remind myself, no pain, no gain~

Everything is going to be okay~
Im sure~

~Just giv me silence peace, so hard?~

Since when, I found that i was lost in the middle road and strongly feel to give up~

It's been a long time, i never feel so stress until i feel like want to cry....

I thought i can handle the stress quite well.....but i think im wrong~

This semester, really sucks~

Next week is already my final, i still have one quiz tomorrow and another one which worth 15% quiz in next monday. and next Wed i have one final exam paper, but Friday there is one presentation waiting for me and also the assignment due date.......

It's driving me crazy~ Damn so crazy~

I cant even concentrate on every single thing....

I wan to aim higher but i juz couldnt~

I still wanna go study oversea but the requirements scared me. Here, another pressure that comes to me.

I just need a moment which is relax with silence peace.....but the stupid bloody construction in front of my house.....woke me up at 8am every morning!!!!! i cant even take my nap!!! Air and sound polluted.....I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

really hate!!!

I endure it for almost whole semester......u tortured me for whole semester!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOSH!!!!

u made me hate to stay at home!!!!!!!!!!!

okay~....

it's driving me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~Decision to make~

I thought i can jz cover my eyes and go through this, which i thought will be best to spend my holiday~

but there is always something existed and forcing me to compare the pros and cons, even compare, which is worth to do it.

i asked, y i always get into these situations, my fren said, my personality does play a role. Oh, really? my personality caused all these? Perhaps. i took some times to wonder bout tis~

the indecisive of me, make me search for confirmation from others, from someone i trusted and know me well.

no matter how, at least, i had made up my mind, and i hope, i had made a right decision with no regrets. i appreciated everyone who were there and giving me opinions patiently. I really hope.........