~Or@nG3JunGL3~

¬Moving .... ¬

2011-01-18T08:53:00.000-08:00

Do you know Jack Savoretti?
The first time I listened to him, was watching Grey's Anatomy ...
The second time, was from his profile ...
and the first time I saw him,
thought I would be there with him, seeing him ...
but things changed, things happened ...

I was sitting there, with the overwhelmed emotions...
Listening to the same old songs,
but nothing is remaining the same ..

-- Whatever happened to the dreamers,
They always look beyond the sky,
Saw a world they could believe in,
but only when they close their eyes.

When I close mine, I see him everywhere.
whenever I think of my life without him,
that's a little pain in there...

After all, Nothing's ever been this way before
A dream is just a dream and nothing more...

You scared of the promise,
and the unknown future.
Just a little courage to move on,
but it has always been hard for you
are you scared of the truth?
is the wrong way just right for you?
i'm just waiting to see
if you'll wait for me
don't let the music die
we're playing songs from different times
i'll let you say goodbye
on another day, but not today

So you think that I'm harder than easy,
And you find me as strange as the truth
I’m as guilty of judging as you are,
But the difference is I don’t judge you

We’re old enough to know,
promise is not always like the one in fairytales.

---------------

Wearing like an office lady is definitely not my things
Getting use to the new routine
Making sure that I'm all good in whatever I'm doing
Even rain and thunder,
I'm still walking ...

I'm not that best
Who deserves no one
You're just like him, him, and him
Said that I deserve a better one
But never
Never ask me what I need
or who I wanna be

I'm on my own
Doing it my own way

I got so much to learn
I got so much to lose ....

_____________

Surprisingly, I'm fine ...
at least, I've said goodbye, even with my tears on ...

Will be fine ....

You might see the pictures of me, with smiling face, and happy moments,
but you won't be able to see,
how much pain deep down that you've caused ...

I will still moving on...

and on ...

Don't Speak

2010-08-03T00:09:00.000-07:00

A song, from Gwen Stefani, when she was still in the group of No-Doubt ...
I can't recall back when's my first time listened to this song,
but I know, is a long long time ago.

Song is always telling the truth, or so to speak,
it's created by the human being anyway.

I woke up, from a nightmare.
This is not the rare case,
when I've been labeled as a human who thinks a lot.

and this song, keep playing, inside my mind, again and again.

I never really deny the judgment of human-who-thinks-a-lot,
somehow, I know,
I am, kind of ...

Doesn't really matter ... Everyone has the unique way to live ...

Taking a deep breath, and guess there's something no need to be explained.

and when things happened again and again,
too much consumption of energy or mentally stress out,
I would rather just stop thinking and simply make a decision.

Say is always easier than take an action.

Don't tell me, cause it hurts ..
I know what you're thinking ..

Uncertainties .. never come to the end.
But it couldn't be forever ...

Guess, It's time, to be someone, who takes the initiative..

It's always not easy ...
but can I just ,
don't speak, and you get it?

Summer's Rain

2010-07-26T05:36:00.000-07:00

Woke up in the Summer's morning
Get dressed and the colourful sandals
It's supposed a sunny day
but it starts to rain once I step out from the flat

I didn't bring the umbrella with me
because it's not supposed to be rainy
It's summer ...
Oh Summer's rain!

Drinking a large cup of sugarless coffee
Thanks David finally see me
He left and the works are accompanying me
Sitting at the corner and
Staring at the running crowd
who trying hard to get a shelter

No one is ready,
for the Summer's rain
Nobody is expecting,
the unpredictable raining

Weather ...
Just like women,
oh ...
so unpredictable
oh ...
it's not supposed to

Summer's wet;
Summer's dress;
Summer's thoughts.

Nothing,
is predictable.

Like,

Summer's Rain

No, Turning Back

2010-07-22T00:48:00.000-07:00

Taking a deep deep breath.
Once I opened my eyes in Thursday morning, and realised tomorrow is already Friday.
Isn't a day that excited me.
Surprisingly, is a rare case.
My heart is beating fast, I'm feeling uneasy and just, don't feel right.

I have to do something else to distract me a little.
Just a weird feeling that I couldn't put them in words.

Listening to Jack Savoretti again, then John Mayer, then The Fray.

I hope, music can make me calmer.

I have to find out what's going wrong.

If there's a song can make me calm
I won't feel unease and you will come
I would rather sing than crying
Like the whole world is taking care of me

if taking a deep breath works on me
I need stronger wind to give me the intensity
and I will have the courage to save me
which is make myself disappear

I would rather go away than staying
Sick of the comfort zone and do nothing
I need a life which makes me whole
One day, I will stop trying

Summer's thoughts

2010-05-23T02:55:00.000-07:00

It's Summer now!
Yea.. It's summer!

It's funny when I feel home and I can start wearing like what I used to wear in M'sia.
Somehow, I came to realise I don't use to wear them anymore!
Weirdo I am.
and again, I came here for almost 9 months and get slightly fairer and now I just used one day to get tanned again! =p ... It's so hard to avoid and sun is alluring.

I still feel like I'm in the holiday, but too bad, I have to start busy again, then have 2 weeks break and spend time with my sisters, then I will be real busy again till end of August....

Being a fighter is always not easy but that's life, I can't skip it so I go through it.

Still not quite sure what are the options for my future roads, and I want myself to be more patient and one day, which is very soon, I will know. I will know....

Back from Germany, it's already the fifth nights without him.
I'm not counting but somehow it comes to my mind.

We will be fine, he said.
So I remember it.

Most of us have foolish ideas about who we are and many, many rigid rules about how life ought to be lived. This is so true, isn't it?

Life is always filled with infinity...

----------------------------------------------------

Life is really very simple, what we give out, we get back.
What about this?

~Harder than Easy~

2010-02-24T02:21:00.000-08:00

This song, keep repeating~
A song, by Jack Savoretti.

Yeah, the mode of Acoustic.
So I closed my eyes, and listening to the rhythms.

and I was in the world of peace.

It's not that hurt as I used to, when the shadow of you appeared in my dreams.
Again.

I always forced myself to wake up from the dreams, you're not worth to be in my dreams.

Truth, is always something hurtful.
and especially that's not the things you'd expected.

Or I should say, having an expectation, is the mistake that I had made.

I'm actually hate you, when I discovered that you're hanging me with the strings and I was the puppet. I dont event have the right to control, to control my own actions. You were there leading me all the way and left me all alone in the deadend and never say goodbye.

and so after weeks or months, I came to realise that I was the only puppet.

It's easy to breath, It's easy to speak, It's easy to see.
but there're things, harder than easy.

Even I'm listening a song that singing of my feelings,
that's a strong feeling that I would like to demolish.

But this time, I stopped myself for asking whoever the Why questions.

Why that I'd been chosen? Why I met a worst ever person in the world?
Why am I still thinking of the devil? Why I'm still writing about you?

So I stopped, and trying hard to persuade my mind, to stop.

I just want you to sing me a love song, for the one last chance.

Is that harder than easy, too?

~Signal Off~

2010-02-14T05:14:00.000-08:00

It's the first day of Chinese New Year of Tiger and yeah, the very first time I celebrate cny in London.

Far away from home seems like something depressive, but that's okay.
Received a call from family early in the morning yesterday and friend's dad was here to celebrate cny with his dearly son.

How lovely is that! and we get to tumpang the happiness by sharing the yummilicious cny biscuits all the way from Malaysia!

and yes, the ang pao! I thought I will never get the ang pao for this year! But surprisingly, wow! wow! ... Thanks Chris and Uncle! :)

We did have a reunion dinner yesterday, with my lovely girls and whole gang of Malaysian friends. A very DIY cny coz many things we need to do it by ourselves if we wanted to eat. and yeah, all the nice food and steamboat! Just we never get to finish all of them!

Drank few Mojito and few shots of Jagermeister!
Not that bad, just everyone was getting a little bit crazy with the drunkenness!
Luckily I'm not included.

People sometimes are crazy but with the alcohol effects, we get to see another faces of someone.

We had fun!

Other than the truth that I just realised.

Is all the guy the same?
I hope someone tell me it's not!
I need someone to tell me it is not!
if not, how could I still believe in any guy?

I'm not quite sure but I stopped to listen and I stopped imagining he told everybody.

and how could I still thinking of someone who're not deserved to?

So it's okay!
Again, that's always a factor to cause me to remain silence.
and I will never talk again.

Never ...

another 3 years?

I am the one who caused this cycle, and it never stops happen, no matter how hard I tried to change.

I'm moving on my life again with the signal off.
and remain, all alone in the journey.

it's hardly to make me believe, once again....

An hour...

2010-01-13T16:01:00.000-08:00

An hour difference ...
only ...

but the distance, clearly state the relationship between two strangers.

At least I'm trying ... trying to be not go beyond the limit.

No one set the boundaries but me.

Sometimes, that's better.

You want something positive? Normally I don't. Not that I'm a pessimistic, but I'm trying not to wear the mask when I get really tired of it. Even one i'm going to face with someone that I truly want to just be myself?

I'm positive most of the time, but you never see.

so What's wrong?

Trying hard to not bump into you randomly and trying hard not to say hello and trying hard not to take initiative and...

trying hard not to miss you!

Damn it! ....

Just, an hour difference.

American Style of Love?

2010-01-12T15:07:00.000-08:00

Great that no one is gonna read this blog ever, since it's been abandoned by the owner for quite a long while.

I thought the beginning of this new year, I made it awesome.

While I was looking at the fireworks, that's one thing I promised to myself.
At the moment I kissed, that's the end.
New Year...New start....New hope....New Love!

But I don't get it, since the conversations few days after the night.
I'm avoiding and he's ignoring.
I never get to know what's in his mind, but I get it.
Completely......

Somehow, for some reasons, It's not fair...

Curiousity kills the cat,
so I never ask, and I'm doing good in controlling myself.

No one was dare enough to rise up the topic again, No one!

and I think that's better, for us.

Pretend like nothing happened,

just like when Nate had no one to talk to and find Fanessa, after he got everything he wants, that's all!

Pretend like nothing happened, ever~

Can't you imagine how stupid?

but how could I?
How could I ...

I wish I could stop The Moffats continue singing I miss you like crazy....

but I failed ...

I just hate to see that I really miss you!
and I know better than no one...
that's pretty stupid...

so I'm the idiot that your mum warned you about...

Watching "Gossip Girl" this holiday wasn't a good idea, ever~

~When the immune system does the talking....~

2009-12-07T09:18:00.000-08:00

I'm freaking need someone to talk to, but sadly, I found no one.

So here am I, and realized this blog have been abandoned by me for almost a year.

Unbelievable!

Too much things happened in this whole year but just as usual.

Cést la vie~

I thought nothing can really fight me down, because I'm always survived.

No matter how hard it could be.

Like the critical period now, lots of assignments are waiting for me and guess what?

I'm sick!!!

It's already the 3rd day.

I thought I should get fully recovered by now.

But sore throat is getting pain, and also my whole body due to the severe cough and flu.

I dun even have strength for a cough now. and I almost finish a roll of toilet paper.

The worst thing is, I don't even know what should I eat!

I tried my very best to stay awake after I had enough rest.

I need to keep my works loading.

I don't have much time to do it, I don't even get a chance to procrastinate.

Alright.

What's wrong?

Should I solely blame on my weak immune system or my living lifestyle or whatever?

I just need to blame on something, at least only for this moment.

Give me a reason , please!!!

~No more second chance...~

2008-12-11T17:57:00.000-08:00

Still having my finals week~ But it's okay~
3 more days to go, 2 more paper to fight~
I can still handle it I guess, yeah....I GUESS~

I keep myself busy for quite a long while~
and busy is not tat bad sometimes....it helps~

Once I slow down my pace...
I realized, I've missed out quite a number of memories that I should have, or even someone that I could share my everything~

Well, I always not the one who will take the initiatives....and this is definitely stick with my mindset~ No, means no~

Someone may say, why am I, so cruel, stupid or watever negative term that they think is suitable to describe...
but do believe that, everyone does something with a motive, purpose.....but not all the time, I know.....

A lot of counterfactual thinking fill in my mind..... and I think.... I juz good in creating imagination~

no more.....
second chance.........

~All the matters of, communication~

2008-12-03T01:03:00.000-08:00

Is always a poor thing that I am here again...
Sometimes frenz were asking why am I having two blogs at the same time?
I have my good reasons but I wil never tell~

Well, tomorrow has an assignment due date and now Dr.Goh is lecturing but yet, I can still multitasking like what am I doing right now....

It's been I while that I was being negative....
Since the days I cried inside the toilet after the phone called and talked with the two sisters, Jungle was back again, the positive one.

Tried to avoid calls to prevent myself not getting any negative influences.
and it works, I feel better...and everyday thinking of something happy that glad the existence of me made changes.
and I tried new things, like learn new dance that I ever tried before...

but there are something that I feel sick of...again, human being is always need to communicate...and conflicts occured once we disconnected to others and not communicate to each other.

That's y I talk, no matter there are happy things to share with, or the hurdles I meet in the midway of some progress, or express my own feelings and thoughts....etc...etc.....i juz talk......

the moment i lost the ability how to talk, is when I feel helpless and wondering why all these things happened? and....thinking am I juz did a mistake?

so I scared when someone juz doesnt wan to talk to me and I totally have no idea why? even if tat's really my mistakes, I wil stil love to talk instead of long stupid silence or juz walked away like nobody business. of coz...it is especially for someone who I really care........

Silence kills me...
Like a human urge to breathe to get oksigen.

everything will stil turn better, but the process of it, is never be easy.....
once I never talk, I wil never be okay.....

~Secrets...hard to keep~

2008-11-26T19:19:00.000-08:00

When there is no way that allowed me to walk on, here am I...

It's been a while, here, has been abandoned by the OrangeJungle~

But no matter how, here is still the place that allow the jungle to escape, even just for a little short while~

Yeah...I had bad days...

when I found myself be the useless one, when I realized that I'm the one who messed everything up~ ...... I do not know, what are the feelings inside of me. Disappointed? Helpless? or juz simple depressed?

Not that easy I would say...

Having said that, coz I'm a complicated and unpredictable creature....

I having tough times, during this critical period...
I tot I can handle it quite well,
I tot what else that I never been through?

but things juz happened and it never allows me to get ready to face all these....

I wish I was there but I was not and I couldn't.
I wish things never happened but yet this is always a dream for me and haunted me in my dreamlands....
I wish everyone can juz understand what I had been gone through but there're somethings that I shouldn't tell.

Not tat I wan to go through all these all alone. No one likes to being alone.
I know Im not alone, that's the only thing I appreciated my existence.

The history, made me...
The stories, was killing me...

Long journey to go, but I start to curious when and where is the end of my journey?

I juz want to breathe...
but I know it wont be until I know how to communicate...
How to lead myself out of my way and find a bright way...
How to walk through...
How to cure.....

I have a plan...
I wan to run far far away...

It's okay if there is no one beside me and trying to be supportive...
sometimes things, is still better to keep for ourselves....

That's y secret is beautiful with the unknowns...

~Nonsense~

2008-10-19T18:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy month...
Everyone is stressed out because of the midterm papers, experiments, assignments, meetings.....

Wow, we r not robot...
How I wish I am a good multitasker....

Busy, busy, and busy...
It becomes a word to describe my life and I found it sad....so sad....to be just busy all the time....

Friends and family, r both important for me.
They are the reasons I continue my busy life, with they supporting me~

Somehow, I find it hard to read people's mind, too~

How much do you understand me?
Do you really understand me?

I would like to say,
Human is complicated...
and it takes my whole life to understand a person.
Why is that so hard to be understood?

I should dun bother to think about it....
It's wasting my time...
right?

Arh....what a nonsense Im talking about?

>,<

~Remember, Remember.....September gone and October is here~

2008-10-10T21:06:00.000-07:00

How's everyone?　

It's been a while I din update anything here. Not that I have nothing to talk about...juz recently, life is always dramatic....I wanted to share it....but somehow....I lost my words.....to talk about my life.......

Sometimes, I always appreciate to be who I am...
Sometimes, I will blame for few minutes why these things happened to me....
Sometimes, I cried for nothing and it didn't made me feel better....
Sometimes, I happy to have all my beloved friends around me....
Sometimes, I miss home and I know Im going to suffer homesick again and again.....
Sometimes, I doubted on my existence......
Sometimes, I hate all the failures which caused by me....
Sometimes, I understand no one is perfect but I still trying to be.....

Whatever....Life without stories is not a life anymore....

Juz a period of time in my life......

Go through it.....no matter how, no matter wat.......

~What my Name means~

2008-09-16T08:50:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while I never blog here.
Not tat i'd abandoned here, it juz sometimes, I dun really feel I wan to blog here.

Many things have come and go, and I think this is wat we mean, Life~

Within few months,
for what had happened, happened...
and Im trying to be the person who never looks back, even though we do have the memories~
Whatever~
Juz, watever~

This new semester, is so challenging that I can say. *I trying to be positive*
Wish, Hope, Pray...
Will be alrite....will be....alrite~

well, there is a link about what my name means.
Which I found it quite accurate....

TanShuLing means,

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.
You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.
You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.
Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way.
And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life.
You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.
You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.
Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

~That's a Song~

2008-06-30T07:33:00.000-07:00

She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

It's one of my favorite songs recently, sing by Taylor Swift.
Everytime I listening this song, I feel so sad....
I wonder how if I am the one who sing it and mean it?
It's so heart breaking~

Din know that I was related with this song indirectly.
and the 'she' or 'her' in the song is referring to me....

I can understand her feeling....so so much~
complicated feeling at the moment while i was reading the story~

No one's fault, I know...

I can understand her feeling, his feeling, but confusing of mine feeling~

I do not want to complicate everything.

so yeah, I believe in him, I believe that time will heals the wound~

Everything is going to be okay~

Wishing her....with wholehearted~

it's a new beginning for me...and i wan it last....as long as it can be.....

Trust is all it means....

~I feel the love, in the air~

2008-06-28T00:05:00.000-07:00

I am not in the control right now...Yeah....I juz...crying my heart out~

Juz suddenly, I opened the old files and start viewing all the pics~

And I started to blog...about the stories, about Turtly and Fishy in the Jungle....happily ever after....

Im so so glad, to have them with me...all these while~

From the day we know each other, we created all the stories by ourselves...there are happy and sad episodes...but no matter how, we gone thru it...until now....

Love you all so much...so so much~

At the same time, chatting with my dear sister and we talked about our lives. Again, crying....

Family is my everything, never regret to be one of the members in this family~ It's my proud...to having them.

and so, i thinking of him...a guy who existed in my life~

I wonder y am i so lucky to be loved by all of them.....

I wonder y am i so lucky?

N so i cry...becoz of touching~

The love, is in the air.......

~As long as, I am not~

2008-06-21T19:53:00.000-07:00

Recently, there were bad days and good days taking turn in my life.

there are so much misunderstandings, conflicts, doubts....

but all past....all is my history~

Im not materialistic~
I wasnt not enough~
I wasnt not appreciate~

I love, I care, I mind~

It's okay, as long as u understand...Im not like tat, at all~

~Not sure~

2008-06-09T00:00:00.000-07:00

The very first time I sitting in a place where I can surf the net and even blogging here~ Yeah....is a place tat is quite strange....

I just dun feel lik going bac and facing something tat I not comfortable to cope with~ I lost myself in this very moment~ Completely..

But I told myself, is a new start and should know how to let go and even learn give and take~

I know all these....but somehow, i stil lost myself~

I cant wait for the this coming thurs....I need someone to guide me, to the right way~

Facing her, I found I had lost my balance...esp when she do not know how to take care of herself~ And I even learned helplessness, but the other side of me dun wan anything happen on her~ I love her...really~ But I found myself lost the ability to express my care and love like i used to~ so wat's the matter now?

I still figuring out~

Will be alright~ I know~ I know there is at least someone always be with me~

^^v I should be glad for tat~

I just, not sure~

~Ended, yet starting~

2008-06-08T08:04:00.000-07:00

Once I switch on my computer like what I usually do, My friend nudged me and said, Welcome Back....I smiled......

It's a new start for me, everytime I came back from home....

I cleaned my house, unpacked my luggage, changed my bedsheet, and sitting in front of the comp and blogging~

It's bad everytime I found myself sitting at the corner and missing home, again~

but it's good, when everything seems new again~

Yeah...tat's wat I like, and at the same time, wat I hate.....

It's a new start, I told myself....

Every things which are bad, were gone....

It's ended....

But yet, I starting my new life~

all the best to myself~

^^v

Happy Dumpling festival~~~

~To be changed~

2008-05-31T23:08:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah~ My body is moving with the beats, yeah, I got it~

Well, you know what makes me feel good?

I think, I'd found myself in the afternoon....Yeah, Im back~

The real me, is back~

I still can dance like who I used to be, I stil can sing till my heart out~

I still can do anything that I wan to~

That's all I want~

Yeah...just in a sudden, I realized....

This morning, I received an email and I know that my resume had been approved and now I have to wait for the teleinterview. Dunno y, I just strongly want the job~ Even though just as an intern and I wont be paid much. But I clearly know what I want.

I just want to move on, to know more people, to widen my social circle, to give myself a chance to learn, to explore, to experience.

That's the real me...not the one who only stand on the same place and never move.

What for to be pessimistic? What for to be sad for all what already happened?

Just the changes, inevitably one~

It's okay~ I should treat myself nicer.

I decided to move on, so I move on.

Do anything I like, with less consideration~

wish me luck friends~

Or may be, u can give me a chance too?

^^v

God bless~

~Move On~

2008-05-30T03:26:00.000-07:00

Finally I'd done my assignment and I remember there is one sentence that I was trying hard to use creative way to write it.

"Once you open you eyes in the morning,
Look forward &
Smile away the pain & sorrow of yesterday."
- by OrangeJungle, 2008

Yeah, I used tat to remind me...move on~ move on~

Nothing is tat bad, when I willing to raise my head, and c wat is in front of me.

today, I went to MidValley, to meet up my friends who I know them in foundation.

The purpose of this gathering, is kind of like farewell, for my dearest fren, Hwan Jean~ She is going to australia in this coming July. Day looks wonderful talking with them...of coz, posing in front of the cameras is the funniest thing for today~ hahahaa........

yeah~ The gals, and the only guy for today, Jian. We all have fun, really~

Went to a kinda high-class restaurant with nice food....

everything juz great~

Yea...c, I can still move on, isnt it? Not tat bad...really....

^^v

~It's not too late~

2008-05-28T19:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I juz lost, lost into la~la~ land...lost to no where~

there were many days many nights I'd lost myself~

I was trying so hard to find the way out~ I dun even know wat's wrong with me...I juz lost the ability to express myself. The feeling was hurting me, so much~

Finally, burst out and i thought it's gonna be okay after I cried...but it doesnt~

It's okay, at least, I better now~

Sometimes, when u realized life is not the bad~ There are people around me, care and love me~ Im not all alone...it's not too late, to realize tat~...

It's not too late~...

~Wednesday's Morning~

2008-05-20T17:52:00.000-07:00

From yesterday, I put IL-Divo, Celine Dion and Westlife songs all into my playlists~

In this early in the morning, listening to the same playlist's songs, I feeling differently~

No worries, I feel much more better~

I dreamed yday, went into La~La~ Land n juz dreaming~ Not really remember wat my dreams all about, but at least not the bad one~

So, this morning seemed great~ I'd learned stg from my dreamz~

reminded me about 'LettingGo'~

Yupe, yupe~~~~

I think, I can focus and concentrate today~ Hopefully~

Have a nice day everyone~

~I'm not transparent~

2008-05-17T21:12:00.000-07:00

Juz bac from the Lang Tengah~ but somehow, im not here to talk bout it~

I trying to balance up myself, but why things happened n made me feel the same way, repeat again and again~

I had a lot of fun, meanwhile, I felt something and I dunno wat the hell kept making my heart so pain~ I hope I would like to ignore all these....but I cant~

I cant even tell wat's wrong~

I hate tat I feel it tat way, hate it, so much~

I know, no one is intent here to hurt me~ Nonverbally, indirectly...n I even believe no one realize it~ but still, hurting me~

I lost the sense of belongingness and I feeling of my priceless existence cause trouble~

but somehow, I still here, physically, completely~

Do not keep me as innocence, I feel so noob~

Things juz come to me and no one there to tell me or at least give me a clue so I can get ready and face it~

That's me, n tat's nothing wrong to be myself....

sometimes the words, will lower a person self esteem~

I should stop, and keep myself busy~

~Here I Am~

2008-05-14T03:25:00.000-07:00

Freedom juz not enough for me all the time~

I wan more, more, and more~

Even though my holiday was gone n my new semester juz started, but i dun care anymore~

As wat my friend John had said in the class, escape from the reality~

Even juz for a short while, but tat's wat I need, or mayb, wat we need~

Lang Tengah~ Here I come~

~In the five years future that we'd meant~

2008-05-09T09:12:00.000-07:00

There is a promise I almost forgotten~ Thx God I've a good habit to keep myself a diary~

It's hard to describe the feeling of touch in the bottom of my heart~ The promise, means a lot for me~

I proudly announce to everyone~ I have a good friend, the best one that I can say~ We'd been through many days that I lost my count~ We used to share our feelings every night~ There is someone who gone through my old days with me~ N im glad I've someone listen to me n guided me when I was an innocent adolescence~

He get to know how was my feeling when we lined up during assembly by looked at my face~ He never hesitate to tell me the truth even though sometimes the truth hurt me~ He told me the right and wrong~ .........

I believe everyone of us used to imagine how r we going to look like in the future~ It's too fast to know when I realized we r already in the five years future that we'd meant~

I found that we had changed with the time flow non-stoply, but mostly of us remain the same~ We no longer chat everything and wat had happened in our daily lives~ With the hard days that I'd gone through, the face of me became hardly predict. Besides, we only meet each other once in a very blue moon and we began our own different lives~ That's life~ Inevitably which is understandable~

Even so, when the time we talked face to face, no matter how I'd changed, I felt the same old me was came bac~ That's real me without a mask, talking bout everything in our lives~

The nite, seemed too short for me~ So much thing tat i wanted to share i wanted to tell~ No secret, no sadness~ Openly, freely~

We both glad, to have each other, as a friend, in our lives~

I want to precious~ I will never meet another one like him~ I believe~

Thx~ Thx everything~

Wishing him always live happily with his beloved one~ He will always be~

A best friend, of mine~

~Easily~

2008-05-07T08:33:00.001-07:00

I still relaxing at last moment~ I hate why am i so easily get affected~ So, cause me changed~

I having my holiday now, but as usual, HELP Uni Col always has the shortest holiday~ two weeks holiday but I only have few days relaxing myself at my home sweet home~ It's okay, I wanna spend it fully and juz rest~ I know, another hectic new semester is coming very soon, very soon~ It juz coming but somehow is already bothering me~ >,< I need help!!!

Is again the uncertainty matter, which i hate it but gonna face it all the time~

It is especially come to adapt the changes, again n again~

There r so much thing waiting for me~ Finish reading 'The Kite Runner', arrange my timetable for tis coming new semester, set my goal n plan a bit on my future, tis n tat...I'd planned to do all these but so much distraction n most importantly, I had been influenced and get demotivated~

I think, My brain having its holiday too~ Somehow I forcing it to function for me~ But it never works tis way~

I juz need more time to digest everything and figure things out~

Wil be alrite~

I juz wan to watch a movie, Or singing~

okay~ Juz relax~

I keep telling me this, but there is stg called 'regret' go through my mind and I asking myself how can I still in holiday n going to Lang Tengah next week which the stupid hectic short semester is already started?

But no point to regret tis, I shouldnt~ There is the place I wanted to go so much~ I shouldnt think tat much n complicated myself~ OKay, is time, to learn, how to let go~

Juz, easily enough~

~Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu~

2008-05-05T18:19:00.000-07:00

Turning round and round and round~ There is the corner, I'd found~

I appreciate that, is not too late to realize~

Last weekends, I spent my day in 2 days 1 night camp~ INCOVAR Graduate Camp~ Organized by a team of experience and spiritual guys and gals~

It's been a long time, I guess since I came to this big city, I never join any religious activity other than went for churches few times brought by my frenz~

Finally, I had a chance, took part in a Buddhist camp~

Actually, it was a camp about future career~ I learned a lot more about corporate world out there~ Which is scary and full of realities~

Anyway, I too, learn about Interview Skills, Resume writing, managing career and career goals grooming and etc~ Im a student who juz stepping into Year 2, u think is tat too soon to learn all this? I definitely can say, NO~

This camp, 20++ participants in total~ Most of them are working people, and some of us still studying~ I think Fish & I were the youngest among all of them~ They had most experience speakers, awesome committee team members and also friendly participants who willing to share and care~

Asking me what had I learned, I found there r too much and I cant juz write it down all here~

It was diff from the buddhist activities tat I had been taking part before, maybe it was the first time I involved myself in English version camp~ I din know Buddhism is tat advance already~ They even have Hymns Singing, it sound a bit like those church songs~ but yet, is so nice to hear and sing altogether~

I know more about myself via Harrison Assessment, but it still shocked to know that i have most trait and suitable become a creative writer, poets or lyrists~ haha~

Meditation too, gave me peace and serenity~

Besides, I dun even know tat my email address cause trouble~ Maybe not yet, but soon will be~
orangejungle88@hotmail.com, means a lot to someone going to hire me in the future~ What impression u hav when u looking at this email? I juz curious...using it for around 10 years time, the first time i realize, while the time i growing up or growing old, nothing is permanent and need to change~

There is the lesson benefit me for my whole life, i believe~ Adapt to change and realize nothing is permanent in this universe~ and finally i found the reason why, Im such a indecisive person~ Becoz, I never learn how to let go~ Letting go, not becoz it sound chic or wat~ It is becoz the limitation a human being having and going through~ Nothing can be perfect and I hardly I can maintain everything good and best~ It juz all bout the matter of, Letting Go~

I do appreciate the new frens i get to know, even though we not really know each other in juz two days time~ Is always good to knw more people coz i always believe everyone of us has a particular and unique story hiding behind~ I love stories~

My heart, had been touched for several times and there r so much lessons I had learnt~

I appreciate everything tat i have~

~Is not really hurt, although is still hurting~

2008-04-30T03:20:00.000-07:00

I tot i had stated it clearly, I tot that was obvious enough~

but i realized tat dun always tot about wat wat wat, but hav to think!!!

I din blame anyone gave me a lot of judgement, coz i caused all these~

I should say it directly, I should say it faster or even from the early beginning~

Again, no one to blame, but me~

Sometimes, there is always so much of uncertainty tat bothering me~

It made me do nothing in my further plan but stuck on it~ tat's really wat i hate the most~ i hate waiting for nothing~ I hate that I lied for nothing, too~ Dont u think it is understandable?

When there were too much changes tat i cant juz accept n nob my head.....i found myself hav the prob dealing with changes~

I juz wan to talk bout it~ talk everything tat i keeping in my heart~ I juz wan to find a way out~ BUt i guess the timing is not rite....so it led to misunderstand~

It's okay~ I juz hav no idea...y I still feeling hurts~

To be mature, is a lesson that everyone should learn all the time~ Even u r stepping into 20~ but the age doesnt mean tat u mature enough to handle everything which may happen or is already happening~ Our brain, will stil stuck in somewhere sometime~

~If I die...~

2008-04-27T22:27:00.000-07:00

The moments in the kitchen still flashing in my mind~

I was thinking, if i juz die, dun cry for me~~~

Well, sometimes accident did happen....without giving u any sign~

I wondered how lucky I was...Juz one step different, I'd saved my life~

If the time the fire and the boiling water come to me, n burn my body...

I wont be here n typing telling wat had happened on me here~

So i do appreciate...but i was shocked, scared.......even now, still in unstable condition, with a bit hand shaking~

there r always a lot of assumptions my brain has making automatically, how if I kena burn n no one there since im all alone in this 'haunted' house? how if I cant even scream coz no one able to get into this house n offer their help? Am i able to save myself? all da way to upstair and call someone to help? All bout Home Alone!!! And I was suspicious....on my own~

I told my best fren thru msn....dun cry for me, if i die one day~

I get no response~ Mayb she was thinking how she going to response~

I know im stupid enough to say tat~ But tat's wat im thinking all the time~

Sometimes, i doubt in me~ I doubt, in everything~

~I can't blame~

2008-04-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

There are plenty of times i tried to sort things out~ Since when I found it so hard to say something out, something from the bottom of my heart? ~

I can't blame that i have no one to listen to me, coz it's not the case~

It juz my prob, failing again and again~

Every things linking to each other and caused the now me~

I still remember the call right after i stepped out from the building after my 2nd paper exam~

I heard the worries~ But i do nothing and im not able to add in or say out the worries i feel~ It will only make things worst~ So, i keep it to me~ Dunno wat is the stupid disease bothering my dear sis~ Praying hard for her, will be alright~ Im sure~ Coz my sis is a super duper good people who i love so so much~

Especially talking with my mum~ I strongly feel wan to go bac home~ I juz miss home~ I have to be with them even though i do nothing for help~

Recently, all the stress juz come to me altogether!!! i tot im able to handle it, but somehow the emotional unstable on me proved before i speak~ I trying to be okay, be strong~ This period, is tough for everyone~ If im become one of the weak one, where is the balance that we should seek with?

I had a great moment in genting today~ enjoyed and had fun~ but somehow, there were times tat i feel wanted to cry~ when my dearest hugging me, when i feel the mist on the air.....today, is not a good day~ when i also experienced all the things tat happened which made me feel so insecure~

I hate everything but so helpless tat i cant change anything~

thing juz easy and im the only one who complicate and mess up everything~

Juz give me a breath~ when i realize, i strongly feel wan to cry but my tears juz not willing to come out~

somehow, i cant blame~

~I HATE everything, @ tis moment~

2008-04-17T07:56:00.000-07:00

ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I juz want to scream, i hope i can scream~

Dunno wat's wrong with me again~ Is already the second time in today~~~~~

I woke up early but stuck half way n somebody and something made me felt wrong and i juz cant help it~ I stand up and wanted to calm myself down~ I feel like throwing thing but i cant~ i know i hav to control myself~

I juz hate~ Hate everything i do, everything i see, everything i hear, everything~
JUST EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!! if now, u wil get ur head chop off!!!!!

I hate...................me~ I hate to be compared and realized that i never really did well~

FINE~~~~~~~

JUZ FINE~~~~~~~~~

~6 o'clock in the morning~

2008-04-16T15:31:00.000-07:00

yeah~ It's 6am~

I have to get away from my bed, even though still wearing the pyjamas, with half open eyes~

*YAWN*

Im tired~ But i found that i have no time!!!

ColourWolf once told me that his taekwando master said, "only dead people have no time!"

How true is it, but then, the conclusion i have is, I AM DEAD PEOPLE!!!

oh my gosh~

Tat's stg bad, real bad~

Anything la!!! I juz try my best to fight~

Am i able to do it? even me myself, asking bout it coz im doubting~

OKAY~ FINE~

~Dont complicated~

2008-04-12T22:21:00.000-07:00

Well, this Sunday, is a bit different~

I cleaned all my stuff once i got off from my bed early in the morning and i made myself a cup of chocolate milk~

Yeah, I love it, so much~ Everything i did had brighten up my whole day, i hope~

I just heard a song, 'I'm Yours' by Jason Martz

Part of the lyric is touching my heart, deeply~

So i wan to share it with you all~

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
Ah, la peaceful melodys
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Is so true, dont u agree with it?

Our time, is so short~ why messed up everything and bothered every single details?

Anyway, i still learning, take thing easy, n remind myself, no pain, no gain~

Everything is going to be okay~
Im sure~

~Just giv me silence peace, so hard?~

2008-04-09T22:21:00.000-07:00

Since when, I found that i was lost in the middle road and strongly feel to give up~

It's been a long time, i never feel so stress until i feel like want to cry....

I thought i can handle the stress quite well.....but i think im wrong~

This semester, really sucks~

Next week is already my final, i still have one quiz tomorrow and another one which worth 15% quiz in next monday. and next Wed i have one final exam paper, but Friday there is one presentation waiting for me and also the assignment due date.......

It's driving me crazy~ Damn so crazy~

I cant even concentrate on every single thing....

I wan to aim higher but i juz couldnt~

I still wanna go study oversea but the requirements scared me. Here, another pressure that comes to me.

I just need a moment which is relax with silence peace.....but the stupid bloody construction in front of my house.....woke me up at 8am every morning!!!!! i cant even take my nap!!! Air and sound polluted.....I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

really hate!!!

I endure it for almost whole semester......u tortured me for whole semester!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOSH!!!!

u made me hate to stay at home!!!!!!!!!!!

okay~....

it's driving me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~Decision to make~

2008-04-04T04:37:00.000-07:00

I thought i can jz cover my eyes and go through this, which i thought will be best to spend my holiday~

but there is always something existed and forcing me to compare the pros and cons, even compare, which is worth to do it.

i asked, y i always get into these situations, my fren said, my personality does play a role. Oh, really? my personality caused all these? Perhaps. i took some times to wonder bout tis~

the indecisive of me, make me search for confirmation from others, from someone i trusted and know me well.

no matter how, at least, i had made up my mind, and i hope, i had made a right decision with no regrets. i appreciated everyone who were there and giving me opinions patiently. I really hope.........

~Find my way~

2008-03-23T20:18:00.000-07:00

Colbie Calliat's songs are playing again n again~

I need this sort of music, so i can hav a peace...

Realized, i'd been 4 days din go to college even though i was not having any holiday~ I should, take this chance to go bac home, yeah.....I SHOULD~

but these days, seemed long, but short~ all juz gone in a wink second~

I was thinking, i kept myself busy on and off, wat's the point?

Sometimes i juz cant find my way out~ I hate the feeling that i am doing something empty, which is nothing~

It doesnt really a matter, tat's life, u gone thru 10 days and there is only one day u found out it is meaningful~ One day, is better than none~ i trying to think positively~

Yday, while i was reading Lokido's blog, every word and picture about his life in UK, made me wondered~ tat's the life i desire to have, tat's the way i can find my way out, tat's it!!!! Both of us are typical sagittarian, there r many similarities between us, the way our brain function and the perspective of our lives.

It's time, to do more research on it~ Australia? or UK?

Im waiting, the answer, the true answer from the bottom of my heart~

~Great great nite~

2008-03-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

Is already 5 o'clock early in the morning, n guess where had i been?

Yeah...Clubbing~ the very first experience in KL city~ which is great, real great~

It was without any early plan like what we should do. It was already 10pm tat time when i nudge my friend and simply said 'let's go yum cha!' Then he told me, he was preparing to party~

I din know, not even expected, i just joined them, such easy and simple without any much consideration~ Tat's not impulsion, i know it very clear~ Im rational~ I know wat im doing~

Is a fren, best fren of mine which i know him for many years, i do trust him~ Tat's y, i know everything is going to be alright~ in addition, it was a tough nite b4 i stepped out nicely from the house. yeah, i even desperate juz to walk out from the house to take a nice breath~ Thx my fren had given me a very good opportunity to join the great nite.

yeah, i had a lot of fun, a looooooooooooooooot of fun~

After P24 dance marathon which I danced till very crazy, it's about 2 months later, i had my second craziest moment~ It was great, really great~

Four guys and six gals, one couple from them, all of them is so nice and friendly. I do love them so so much~ even though, who knows we not going to remember each other when u awake the next day~ haha~ who knows rite? But i did sincere and cherish the moment with them.

dance, i juz dance, watever i wan, followed the music, juz dance with the every single beat. I love dancing, if u know me, u know tat too~ i dun even care wat other ppl think bout me, is really hard to get the chance i presented myself without a mask. So i enjoyed it~

For me, is not a bad thing~ I had only drank 2 or 3 cup of beers, tat's all~ i spent most of time, dance, dance, n dance. N one thing i should mention, we went into the ice bar which is under negative temperature. Is cold, even though i was wearing a thick jacket. but is nice, real nice~

after tat, we went for yum cha n now, here i am~

is not tat bad. dun judge those gals n guys who go clubbing is bad boy bad gal~ is juz having fun and enjoy life, but we know wat we r doing, n at least for me, i take the responsibilities on every single thing i did~ I going to step in my 20s few more months later, if u r an adult, show that u r~
tat's anothing thing which i witnessed myself n i was so touching~

I can c this clique with gals and guys, they do have a strong bond among them and they do care each other~ they din show it intentionally, n tis wat made me felt touching~ i miss my old frenz, who we used to be lik tat, care of each other sincerely~ i din mean to blame or wat, coz is not anyone fault, we juz changed, when the time is keep going on, n we juz cant help it~ thus, distance juz become far n far~

okay~
hahahahah~....shouldnt think so negative way~

well, i do appreciate all the guys' gentlemen and gals' friendliness~ thx to belanja me~ haha~

Thx thx thx~

Tonite, is going to be a great memories in my life~

~Juz the questions~

2008-03-17T03:42:00.000-07:00

Really fortunately, rain started when i juz stepped into my shelter~

Still thundering and flashing, wondering whether i should off my comp n routers?

Can i juz be someone who doesnt care with everything? can i b selfish? irresponsibility?

Sometimes is juz hard to understand~ and i getting tired of reading others' mind~

Thx for ur honest to telling me all these, but somehow i feel uncomfortable with ur honesty in so direct way~

Or i should think it another way, everyone of us wants to live with someone who we can obtain the advantages? Mayb tat is human nature, then y would i so mind with this statement? bcoz im one of them? or i realized tat i cant benefit anyone else around me? tat's a shame!!! tat's a humiliation~ so dun judge or state it out even though is true for u~

all the human being is doomed to live together, tat's y communication is so essential in our daily lives~ is true to be frankly, but we do have to consider, what we should and should not to be honest~

well~ juz a small matter~

~Is all bout changing?~

2008-03-06T09:15:00.000-08:00

Well, juz came bac hanging around with frenz~

it is a nite i used so much of my brain~ While i was having fun talking bout all the theories of life, experiences, diff point of views n all these stuff, i really thinking deeply~

is it really all bout changing? yeah, is not easy to get a person adapt in changing~ but i like changing , as in try the new experiences n new person to talk to, etc.etc~

but when come to the changing of myself, im thinking deeply and hardly~

wat i really want? i dun know~
wat i thinking bout my real self? i dun know~
wat i gonna do next to change? i dun know~
all these 'dunno' answer keep repeating and i hate it~ even fed up of this stupid answer~
but i really wan to find out the real answers~

it's another long nite for me i guess~
coz i feel restless, even sadness~

anyway, after talking with my frenz, i realized stg~ at least, i had been inspired through the whole conversations~

mayb, now, is another turning point of my life~ i dun know~ but at least i should try to make everything better but not remain standing right there n do nothing~

i can go thru it i guess~ as long as being myself and seeking higher self-esteem to reach my goals~

dun think complicated~ it's really tiring~

~Today~

2008-03-06T02:08:00.000-08:00

Juz came bac from college and now is so so so tired esp my legs~ I really wondering how's the gal running with the high heels? i juz standing n walking....damn so tired weh~

well, it was a big event organized by all psychology students n i am one of them~ to be honest, i dun really feel i belonged to the team until today~ perhaps because i only took part in the half way, i seldom voice out during the meetings bcoz i dunno wat was really happening~ n mayb bcoz of tat, i did not felt the commitment with tis whole event~ anyway, i was in the publicity team and helped out to spread to everyone bout tis event~ it gave me the chances talking to the strangers and from there i'd discovered any kinds of ppl in this world~ it's ok if u dun bother what is going on outside there but somehow i found tat, they dun even know wat is manner all about~

nvm, at least, i tried~ but frankly, as Fishy said, we were demotivated from varieties of negative responses we had~ i had voiced out during our last meeting after the career fair ended greatly~ finally, finally i had voiced out from bottom of my heart wat i felt all the time while~ there were few times been asking for help but the time juz not right n i was rejected it, but everytime i did tat, i felt so guilty~ Even sometimes when others were praising for the great job which had been done by the committees, i was wondering, n asking myself, did i really helped out? did i really do all the jobs? did i really contributed?

Thx Mr.Kumar, his words made me feel good, yeah, at least, i really tried my very best, though not as much as efforts other ppl made~ i cant comparing this, i know~ But i know, i could do better~

Life is all bout learning, meeting up new frenz, having fun.....today, is a good day for me~ Although i feeling bad now which caused by the caffeine inside the coffee.

I stil want to say, thx everyone, congratulations for all the great jobs, esp Nicholas, he is really a good leader tat i respect~ n oso Leong, John......etc.etc.etc~

there were many lessons i learned from it~

however, 2day, the last day of this event, i felt i was in it~ i had a great time with all my frenz~

Life, is sometimes complicated, but there is still stg to look for~

cheers~

~Hardly understand...~

2008-03-03T05:38:00.000-08:00

Do u know, there are so many people in this country, some are good, some are bad~

When u meet the good one, he/she is most probably will brighten up your day~

However, if u meet the bad one, he/she would just ruined your day, or even worst~

Unfortunately, i met one stupid idiot today~ who knows, because of this pretty gal, i gonna fail my subject and spend another thousand to retake a subject. Mayb not tat worst, but who knows, rite?

Yeah,every semester, my psychology department will carry on a lot of experiments for psychology students to sign up. it is compulsory for every core subjects and can gain extra bonus marks through tat as well~

Then, 2day, my friends and i had signed up for one experiment. it was 3pm session~ Right after our class at 2.30pm, i only had juz enough time for me to grab a tuna bun as my lunch n headed to take Help Bus going to another Block to attend the experiment. Mana tau, the uncle driver dunno went to where, we waited inside the bus for about 10 minutes. when we reached there, 2.55pm~ Phew, at least we still have few more minutes~

I jz felt not right when we were fastened our steps hoping we wont be late for tat~ It was like a bad feeling telling me it's gonna not alright~

When we arrived, the lab's door havent close yet and we thanks god that we were not been late~ The guy who is one of the experimenter told us politely that they ady found other students to replace our place and maybe we juz cancel our name so that our marks wont get deducted. Then, there was a gal suddenly appeared in front our sight n gave us a stupid look and said "NO, You all were late. So of coz hav to minus marks!!!"

What the hell is this? We tried hard to come on time and juz one minute! ONE minute!!!! we cant take part then is ok, y must said till like ours fault? we already damn pissed off~ we were not absent without a reason so u can juz minus the marks as u like~ We decided to argue back, so we were waiting outside until they finished the experiment. We knocked the door politely and told them the reasons why. But tat stupid idiot, said "we had given u 5 minutes then y u al stil late?" we said NO! tat time only 3.01pm k? we had class before tat and we really tried to come on time but no one of us can juz drive the bus!!!! then she said "No! we are following the real watch! you all were late and sorry, hav to minus marks!" what will she gain for her determination? she juz wont help us~

okay~ let say is our fault. It could be easy to help us juz cancel our name rite?

fine~ fine~ it's alright~ juz minus 0.25 marks anyway~

Until i got bac home n checked thru net, i discovered that we had been minus 2 marks!!!
HELLO! 2　ＭＡＲＫＳ！！！！

it gonna take another 4 hours take part the experiments only we can gain bac the 2 marks!!!!

you can choose to be devil or angel~ you can juz offer ur help and the appreciation you get will makes ur day good bcoz u did a good thing. but you can juz ignore to help and wat you deserve is all critiques and even bad words. It is all depends on you~

If we hav no reasons, i wont be so pissed off~

aiks~

anyway, wish me luck~ for my presentation 2ml~

~Tuna Egg~

2008-02-25T16:29:00.000-08:00

When the time i opened my eyes, i had decided, let yesterday, stay in there~

I wan my day becomes good day, no more bad days is a little promise i made for myself~

Everything is going to be alright~ isnt it?

Well, yday, had a stupid quarrel wif the king of my house~ Juz becoz of small little tiny thing~ Time was juz not right, i couldnt endure like wat i always did~ It was reached my limit~ Just the same like volcano poured out molten rock~ Had u seen b4? i bet u did~ No matter gals or guys always did tat~ Bcoz human juz equals with emotional animal~

I had gone thru plenty of bad days tat i wish i never been~ Coz is hurt, really hurt.....

Im not tat tough tat u think, Im only human~ AND, im a gal~ Plz dun forget this fact~

Well, well, well....

it's gonna b okay~

I cooked myself yummy tuna egg with bread, it did brighten up my day~

No more bad days, k?

For this moment, i dun believe in fate~ I believe, i can change, with my own hands~

I do hav a brain!!!!

~I feel myself~

2008-02-20T18:49:00.000-08:00

Sometimes there is juz a chance, or juz a mission, when u do it, u feel it~

Feel what? Me, myself~

Recently, i was taking part in publicity team of Chap Goh Mei Celebration which organized by Chinese Culture Society~ My fren Turtly, put a lot of efforts in tat~

Yday, It's quite a sudden, i gonna take part in almost every performances~ Singing, cross talk (xiang sheng) n oso the fashion show~

How long tat i never go on stage? it's quite a pretty long time~ but i miss, miss the stage, so so much~

I did all my very best, n i had fun, it's quite enjoyable with a big throng of frenz~

I realized something tat i never discover in almost 20 years~ Haha~ i never know, tat i can do quite well in fashion roadshow~ Hahaha....thx to give me the chance~

Well~ well~ well~ i lost my voice today~ At nite, i going to perform already...so i doubting, am i able to do the best? i wondering~

~Sorry, means nothing~

2008-02-18T05:53:00.000-08:00

Busy Busy BUsy!!!!!!!

yeah...im busy!!!! it might be true, but deep inside my heart telling me, that's juz an excuse!!!

watever~ i dun wanna care tat much~ y must i thinking everything in details? y must i care bout everything? y i put weight on mine shoulder by my hands? y i take everything as my own responsibility?

I feel stupid, i feel cheated!!!!

It juz a small matter until i cant tell, coz u most probably think tat's nothing! juz a small tiny prob! but it meant to me~ really~

I juz wanna b polite, i thought i jz did the right things as a fren, but i think it was too much~

okay, i deserved it~

watever it may be.....for me, for now, sorry, means nothing to me~

~Lie, in Valentines~

2008-02-13T21:27:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines....& Happy Chinese New year...

yeah yeah, today is Valentines, but just a very normal day for me~ It's gonna be the same, for 20 years.....haha~

well, this cny, not really good~ is lik sick festival during tis cny, included me myself~ but recovering...^^v....take gd care everyone~~

Sometimes, thing wil jz get complicated~ I feel so guilty, when telling lies, even though it is harmless n i juz wanna to be polite~ J said is not my fault, but wat i feel is like, it is my fault~ *contradicted*

I juz dislike ask myself to do something tat i hate~

watever it maybe, i apologize.......

today, again, i feel bad, when i feel ur selfishness~ i trying to give many reasons for wat u did, i believe tat u wont be lik tat...but no matter how hard i try, wat happened, is happened~ It is hurt, really hurt~

yeah, i should treat myself better....

anyway.....

hav a nice day everyone~

~What's wrong...~

2008-01-31T03:59:00.000-08:00

oppz...wat's wrong?

there is one movie review waiting for me to complete, besides, there are still a lot of workloads lying on my table~ I know myself well, i do not have much time to complete all these before cny holiday~ But i juz dun feel like wan to do it...dun even wan to touch~

tat's bad...real bad....but it was like, out of my control~

Dunno y, these few nitez, different friendz kept asking me go out yum cha~ continuos for 2 nitez~ I thought, im the only one who hate stay at home all alone...seemed not~

well~ I gotta do stg...i have to, it is a must~

U know, i know~

okay...before i going out...at least do stg? plz...Jungle~

~This, absolutely...~

2008-01-23T03:58:00.000-08:00

Half way reading my history textbook, came here...juz wanna do some fingers exercise~

yeah...history~ Something which full of mysteries~ well, i taking east Asian civilization this semester~ It is interesting, just the stupid thicky textbook which full of small words make me kinda....annoying~ But no regret~ even though so-so result is expected end of this semester~

CNY is coming very soon~ mayb becoz of tat, i feel tat i stil in holiday~

tat's bad, really bad~ i juz keep enjoying my life, which full of stress~ yeah...stressful~ coz while i was enjoying, my mind was thinking what else i havent do but i should do~ not a good feeling at all~ trust me~

well~ well~ well~ at least, my life is not tat sucks~ coz i know, how to make things simply~ but still learning anyway~

today after gym at California Fitness, i walked alone in the mall~ being alone, not really a bad thing for me~ I walked, stopped when saw stg i like, then kept walking~ i was using mine imagination and hoping, could i meet up with 'him'? *smiling*

who knows rite? mayb he was standing behind me in the queue but i din notice~ or mayb he walked by with opposite direction and my eyes was looking another site~ fate, u know~

okokok~ i should stop here~

lolz...

hungry ady lo~

this blog, absolutely, juz for fun~

~Head or Tail~

2008-01-14T23:48:00.000-08:00

Im not going to be pessimistic anymore~ really...

But tat's stg out of my control~ Like u throwing a coin n bet with ur frenz whether it is head or tail~ I always lost when came to this game~ I dunno y, n i juz let it be，knocked under the fate~

Yeah, dun think i always fight back lik i always did~ Im not tat strong anyway~

stg is wrong tat i can feeling right now~ i getting sick...really sick~ not only physically sick, but mentally sick~

no one to speak at this moment, n i feel sick~ no one to take care of me, i feel sick~ no one will be there n say stg comfort me, i feel sick~ i keep drinking lotz of water, coz i feel sick~ i feeling cold and hot remaining on the same seat, i feel sick~ every step will cause me pain, i feeling sick~

c, i really sick~

okay~ i should take it easy~ isnt it?

by the way, last sat n sun, i went to p24 dance marathon n i was a volunteer there as a dancer relations~ yeah, it was an activity which u can juz dance for 24 hours~ sound crazy huh? absolutely~

being a dancer relations was not an easy job at all, i gotta kept motivating the participants to dance, since then, i need to dance first~ arh...

but i was enjoy and had lot of fun~ all the performance was so nice~ One thing tat i can say, UrbanGroove rocks~ all of them can really dance so well~ Fellest (i used to call him salad, sorry~) , Zack, Alex, Jerry...etc.... they r friendly, n we talked for a little while~ Din know Alex same age with me, kinda shocked me~ with this age, he ady can dance tat well, his future, must b so bright~ hopefully, we still can talk another time~ "hopefully" la~ Juz quite a long time din met a person who i tot we were met b4~ nice to meet them~

p24, ended up quite successfully~ when hugging everyone, i felt so touching~ It was like a challenge which is not everyone able to do so~ Im glad, my friends n i did~ we r survivor~ haha~

okay~ i should stop here~

it is time, to plan, my new life~

~There was a tear, on my finger~

2008-01-09T07:14:00.000-08:00

It was totally a new life, in my history~

But it was not totally strange, it was a bit familiar~ the streets i used to walk on, the roads i used to cross, the building i used to dream to own~ the only difference, is the person, who is typing tis blog~

yeah, i referring myself~ A stupid monkey lost in the jungle~

Im sitting in a totally new place~ going to sleep soon i guess~

my brain, stil thinking other things~

in this 21st century, everyone has a mobile in the pocket~ this is nothing fresh to talk about~ I juz thinking while the phone is ringing n tat is at least one msg going to transfer through one place to the other place, from one person to the other person~... no matter wat kind of messages tat u can think, it most probably repeating in every hour around the world~

via mobile, u can listen the voice u always miss~ n from the voice, i can imagine the person facial expression n his/her emotions~ everyone has the ability to imagine~ me of coz~

today, i had listened a voice, which i love so much~ i can c the tears on her cheek although i cant c her~ i wan to be with her~ desperately~ i hope i can juz fly across cities just to be with her~ but i cant, n so...helpless, miserable~

thx tat im so lucky~ i have friends always around me n be there when i need them~

thx a lot~

i know, tat's life.... since i cant avoid it, so i face it~

if i think i can , i can~

~It is coming to the end...~

2007-12-31T00:52:00.000-08:00

2007 and 2008, it just a number different, but there have 365 different days~

can i know what is the speed of every day? just too soon for me, few more hours to go, another new year, is coming to town~

yeah, everything related to 2007, were ended and going to the end...

i'd changed a new hairstyle two days ago~ i don't really like it, but at least, it was a good try~ it's easy to step in the saloon n chose a nice seat, but it was so hard to make a decision wat style u going to change~ so i said, it was a good try~ bcoz, i made it~ i'd gone thru it~ i took it, as my last challenge of the year 2007~

tat's my way to welcome a new year~

2007, not really a bad year for me~ there are still a lot of unforgettable memories~ i met many new friends~ i did awesome works~ i went to the first prom nite in my life~ ...... there were something tat i cant describe by using words~ but i wil, remember it, forever~

2008, i wish what i wish will become true~

let bygones, be bygones~ im stil growing up~ there is another year, waiting for me~ no matter good day or bad day, enjoy or torture~ i wil just face it, with a real me~

i hope, i can do my very best~

yeah, im ready, to say bye to 2007, say hi to 2008!

~Truth...~

2007-12-09T19:35:00.000-08:00

everyone is trying hard to find the truth, but what is the truth that we want to know?

there are question marks in everywhere, and i believe the truth, hiding underneath the surface~ We can get to know it, if we finding it~

No matter what is the truth~ it has a power, to influence our emotions~

There is a truth, which we hardly understand~

I tried hard before, but i gave up~

Because, what i left when i discovered the truth, just disappointment~

Plz do not look down at anyone around you~ You can help them improve, but not with the stupid ego words~

I, can survive~

~Raining Season~

2007-12-05T21:29:00.000-08:00

great day always passing so fast~ Like today, the moment i woke up on my bed, i know, today going to be a good day for me~

no doubt, is raining outside~ N i like it~ I like raining~

i have a good mood, thx for the weather~

but i dun even realized, now is already noon n is ending~ i stil havent take my lunch~ haha~

after yday, i told myself, i gonna change~

So, here I am~ a new me~ thx for everything~

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell....Xmas, is coming, too~

a very special season of mine~

~没有，为什么~

2007-12-01T04:54:00.000-08:00

i finding a reason~ i am searching for an answer~ my heart is still pounding, but anyone can tel me, when will it just stop without a sign?

i hate this feeling, with uncertainty~ i feel tat im useless, with a helpless soul~

when the day we found its existence, would it be too late for us to do something?

as long as i still can breathe, with wide open eyes, but who can tell me, my heart will stop pounding the next second i breathe~

It's enough!!! i hate the panic when i feel im still alive~

Don't be so cruel to our human beings~ At least show us some signs~ at least give us more time to get prepare~ at least lead us where we go after life~ at least, let us know~

im sick of it~ i thought i am recovering~ But when i have the hopes, *BOM* ~ again, i lost~ lost everything~

i wanna go bac home~

i wanna have some rest in my life~

i....cant bear it up~

~Now on...~

2007-11-25T23:55:00.000-08:00

i do believe in fate and faith~

been so many days, my life, wasnt my days at all~

Sometimes i juz wondering, y do i so mind about wat other ppl said?

that's none of their business but mine~ im the one who should handle all these~ so, from now on, i wan to become a brand new me~

i do believe in myself~ but today, juz today, i was in the mood who wanna ignore the outside world~ i hate everything i saw n everything i heard~ watever, juz watever~

is really damn tiring if every single things i need to think again n again~ no point, isnt it?

okay~ take everything easy, make life easier~

juz follow my gut feelings~ everything wil going fine~

i decided~ so pray hard for me~

all the best everyone~

To my Angeline, believe in me, everything going to be alright~ stay happy and believe in faith~

~C, im not always pessimistic~

2007-11-23T01:33:00.000-08:00

oh yeah~ woohoo~ feeling good when sweating.... juz after playing badminton with my best buddy~

well, i really should do sport more frequently~ last time, there were always lot of excuses, asthma la, this la, that la...now i dun care ady, i can do watever i wan.....include the sports i like~

i miss the time while jogging with my mum n dad......i miss the time we played badminton at least once a week with my cousin.........i miss those days running on the field during every PJ periods.......basketball, netball, squash.......wow~ n i wont forget hiking as well~

yeah, i really wish tat i can juz b a young ppl and full of energetic......i love sports, but y i juz keep giving myself a lot of excuses? i should do something and try my very best......

okay, deal~ i decided, i wil take part in sports carnival next year......

a lot of new things waiting me discover them. i wan to change, i wan to try something new......

and a brand new me, will be exist......^^v

~I Doubt....~

2007-11-17T04:13:00.000-08:00

i was in the room, with a throng of new faces. I did not know, since when, i started to fear of this kind of environment~

i smiled, i said something~ but i still, not comfortable with this place. coz, i din feel tat i belongs to one of them~

i was lik waiting for something i dun even know wat is tat......my name? hope? or wat?

tat's not important for me, juz i started to doubt, bout my capability~

it's tat something tat i did had not been satisfied by others? or wat i should do but i din?

it's okay~ i told myself.....not a big deal~ juz a failure tat i'd long time never met~

so i tel myself, there r still waiting for me at somewhere.....

~Numb3rs~

2007-11-07T02:47:00.000-08:00

again~ something tat i cant find a way out~

well, the moment i get to know the numbers, i kept silence~ coz i think there's the way, to cover, the disappointment of mine~

juz wonder y, n i was doubting~ my problem? perhaps~

But one thing for sure, i done all the best of mine, tat wat i can do ~

anyway, jz trying not to think the same thing~ same way~

i should learn how to c thing differently~

again, dun show me the same face~ dun think wat u thinking about me ~ the more you wan to show ur generous, the more i feel ur happiness~ n the more, i feel u being sarcastic~

juz the numbers, wat do i thinking tat much?

it's not worth it~ to waste my time n strengths to think all these~
so i should stop, stop doubting myself~

im learning, not to care~

~Say hi to November~

2007-11-01T04:03:00.000-07:00

do u feel tat? time, is speeding~

not fair isnt it? we r not allow speeding on the highway, but y time is allowed?

watever~

It's a new month~ Everytime when i feel my bday is coming soon, i know, year of 2007, is ending~

watever it is, today, when i opened my eyes n realized today is the first day of a new month, i decided, i wan to change, change to better life~

It's a good thought, i think~

Enjoy dude~

~It's time...~

2007-10-27T03:51:00.000-07:00

yeah, here again~

well, everyone has their own future, n wat about mine? i think, it's time to think....think deeply about my future~

i dun even realize that, it is time~

yday, the person in charge of University South Australia paid a visit to my college and so there was a chance given for those student who would lik to study there to ask her plenty of questions. so i was there~

my mind start to imagine....all the stuff about the decision will be made.....

watever the decision will be...i wan to change my life....i wan to have some different....i dun wan to disappoint anyone who love me....i dun wan to miss the chance......

i hate to compare, i hate to make a decision which i will never regret....

but it's hard....so hard........

~Differences~

2007-10-11T03:33:00.000-07:00

when a person in a bad mood or not enough sleep, normally they will act extremely different~ tat's wat i found, in me~

watever, there are many differences in our lives.....different ppl, different brain, different thought, different reaction......bla....bla.....bla......we cant expect anything of these....it's hard to predict......

recently, i dunno y do i so mind...when someone keep reminding bout how different am i with other girls....well, i wonder.....i dun think tat there are two different people who totally the same.....everyone has their unique, isnt it? so it's tat my fault?

i dun care how different am i~ but someone made me wonder~ do they have a brain as well?

i do hav a brain, n a heart~ i might look like a tough gal, but yet, im stil a gal~ dun think tat i dun mind~

mayb it's different, but i stil da same~

~y is tat so hard?~

2007-10-06T08:03:00.000-07:00

why is tat so hard for me to take everything easy?

it's a long night for me...really long night~ n i wonder why~

is tat really hard for someone living their days all alone? i hate to find no one to talk to sometimes~ no one will be so kind wasting their precious lifetime juz listen to my making sense theories... they are not anyone of me, n it really made me ympathize myself~ am i really tat pity gal?

i get used to it, din i? n so y is tat so hard for me?

it's okay, isnt it?

i strong enough and so do not need to share every little thing to anyone~ i can juz keep it to myself~

dun looking at me as u think~ im not naked, n i hav a brain~

~Caffein...~

2007-10-06T03:58:00.000-07:00

have u tried tat u do something without go thru you brain? or say something juz slip out your tongue? recently, i always~ n i dunno why~

yday, i was chatting with my fren, n he mentioned bout coffee~ he reminded me, how long tat i din drink coffee? it's really long long ago~ without think twice, i went into kitchen n get a pack of 3 In 1 Hazelnut White Coffee~ boiled the water and after few minutes the coffee was served~ it's really a nice taste, n i really like it~ n the time i sipped and finished the coffee~ i regretted~

i realized, i stil da same old me, i thought, i was changed...but i din~ i stil the same~

y am i so careless? y am i never care bout myself? can i forgive this mistake? ya, of coz, juz a little small mistake i did, but wat made me such a bad feeling? juz a little phobia~

i had forgotten my mum warning me not to drink a cup of coffee all by myself, coz im not able to do so~ the consequences after i drink it, i wil only get nausea, dizzy and feeling not well~ again, i suffering with all these for my whole night~ i deserved it~

it's been a long time i suffered with health problems~ when can i stop it?

~Why...~

2007-10-02T08:50:00.000-07:00

here i am again~ n plz dun expect im going to share ady happy fairytales~ i do not hav any~ n normally when i came here, most probably all bout my feelings n emotions~ sorry, if i disappointed u~

everyone has their diff style for blogging~ i do hav my own style as well~ if u wan to critique or watever, ur business~ me express myself, is mine business~ do i juz mind my own business~

dunno y, juz dunno y, very weird but stupid feeling existed again~ which i hate it, really hate it~

evening, suddenly wan to find some pic n so i opened my folders, n i found, alot of memorable pics~ for anyone who had taken pic with me, must be my frenz~ here is my theory~ some, stil hanging around with me, but some, none~ diff categories tat i can categorize with the levels of keeping in touch with me, there are always, sometimes, seldom, rarely and even none~

i juz feel uncomfortable n upset~ everybody is changing, even me myself~ we used to be so close to each other, but y there is no more for now?

i can do something for it, i suppose, but i juz din do anything n standing at the same place~ everyone is moving n where am i? the feeling is so hurt~ deeply~ but i understand~

i understand tat everyone has diff life, diff stories in every single day, diff ppl they met, diff things they experienced with.....all juz so different~ n mine diff with them as well~ nothing tat i can do to change it~ even if i try hard to change, there is no point anymore~ really~

am i able to cope it? i need time~ the more tat i can hav~

~I'd been awaken when September was ended~

2007-10-01T18:40:00.000-07:00

for almost 19 years, i still cant figure out, why, time passed so fast n yet no one can slow it down~ i wan to stop it if i can, but i know, it's impossible~

so now, another new month begin~ It's October~ i dunno y, y it is so hard for me to believe today is the 2nd day of the 10th month~ 2007, almost end~ n im getting old~

i din mean to be so pessimistic, but juz wat my true feeling~ complicated feeling~ trying to simplify it~ if u can help?

finally finished my essay for PSY103, i din know y i used so much time to complete it~ anyway, i still done one of my missions~ yeah, juz one of it~

yday b4 i went to bed, i watched one of the episodes of Grey Anatomy 1st season~ finally i finished downloaded it, so i watch it~ juz first episode, i thx god tat im not a medical students so im not a doctor-to-be~ it will be a nightmare for me, i can assure this~ really proud of my best buddies, who studying medical one in Russia n one in Indonesia~ 2 little poor girls, no, i cant call them lik tat anymore. they stronger than any others~ Doctor, wat a mighty ambition which not everyone can afford to~

i used to dream to be a doctor when i was a St.John member~ it's feel great when i succeeded to stop the bleeding~ it's feel great when someone say thx to u~ it's really great, but i din know since when, i got blood phobia~

but i think the most toughest to be a doctor is when face the life n death~ how r u going to tel patients' family that their love one is passed away? how r u going to handle if someone in front of u struggling to survive but yet a long beep sound show tat he was failed n died?

i start to worry, since now im a psychology student, am i able to control my emotions n feelings? if someone tel me their prob, i need to be tough to let them rely on me, but how if i cry with them? if someone i has counseled b4 end up with suicide? arh... watever, juz watever~

stop to think too much~

i cant handle it now but mayb in the future, i can~ no one knows wat going to happen in the next second~ will b alright~ it's okay~

~No more bad lucks...plz~

2007-09-27T03:39:00.000-07:00

it's been a long time i din updated my blog here~

it's so hard for me to describe my life recently....

i dunno wat wrong with me, but im sure, devil is always with me~ n caused all the bad things happened on me~

i wonder how could it happened? so unfair~

watever, i keep telling myself, take all these as my challenges~ wil b alright~ wil b alright~

at least, there is someone, always support me~

~I need a break~

2007-09-22T02:50:00.000-07:00

is tat insane to ask for more time given? i wonder.... but i really need more time~

assignments due date all pack together, everytime i look at the calendar with colourful marks with diff colour highlight pens. i feel stress~

it's enuff, i wan to shout tis out loud~ by the time i wan to shout, scream hardly as i can, my mind think deeply, can i really blame on time but not me? im the one who feel lazy sometimes, i was the one who delayed the works. so all were my fault~ aiks.....

now at home, so of coz wat i feel juz home sweet home~ i wan to hav a short break, but y i stil keep myself sitting in front of the comp n staring at the screen? it hurts my eyes, and my back~

okay, i keep telling msysel, i stil hav time~ no matter how i mourn or how i blame, the clock stil ticking round n round~ so im gotta do something, for no regret~

~Famine 30++ hour....~

2007-09-18T07:35:00.000-07:00

Sunday, it's really an unforgettable day for me~ but not only becoz of i went tis camp.......

well, it's really great experience to join this 30 hour famine camp....As a volunteer and chose to be a group leader~ it was my first time to join this camp, n gonna b a leader, totally not an easy task...but it's challenging~

the more details and photos, plz visit www.wretch.cc/blog/abbytan~

n so right after the camp, when i on my way bac....i lost my wallet.......!!!!

yeah, sad thing.....i need few more days to accpet the truth thoroughly~ many things i need to be done~ aiks......

wil b alright i think~ wil b okay~ thx to everyone....to be with me~

~I need some rest n giv me a silence nite~

2007-09-14T02:30:00.000-07:00

these few days, something goes wrong with me~ i feel it, but i cant say it~

i know tat im not the only one, among all of us, who is the one has the problem? or all of us? i wonder...~

it was irritable, when my ears cant bear the noises~ every single word went inside my ears was hurtful~ y i bear it in mind? it's not good for my health n soul...not good, yeah....it's not good~

im trying to simplify all complicated stuffs, n remind myself tat's nothing~

i hate the feeling of uncertainty~no matter wat i doing, wat i thinking, the clock still running, the days gone day by day, n i hav no time to complete my works, but the calendar on my desk keep reminding me how many days i left, the feeling is juz lik im waiting for devil to bring me go far far away, there is place, call hell~

can i juz stop it? stop everything....stop the earth turning round n round....~ juz, plz stop~

watever, i gotta rest a while..n refresh my mind~

2ml im going to 30 hour famine, as a group leader, i know tat is a challenge for me~ juz hope everything goes smoothly....everything will b alright~

so plz giv me a silent nite~

~Yesterday, 911~

2007-09-11T21:42:00.001-07:00

do u still remember? 11th of September....a day, a history, a legend and a gal, a fren, came from a paradise....

911, was a terror, but it doesnt affect me much, coz in this day, all my frenz n family still with me~

but 911, is a day, i wil never forget~ it's a special day, of my best fren now in heaven~ she is my angel~

My angel, i sent u a letter, i'd written down all i wan to say, plz make sure, u read it~

Happy Birthday, Heng Yee~

i miss u so much~ as i promised u years before, when i think of u, i din cry, but i smile~ i did it~ it wont be sad anymore after u left me for years, but i do miss u, really miss~

always take gd care, okay? stay cute~

luv ya~

~Not now....~

2007-09-08T05:31:00.000-07:00

yeah..got cha~

2day, i heard tis word for few times....the MCs really talked a lot but they were funny~ ^^

yeah, i went to the training of 30 hour famine for volunteers at Bukit Jalil~ everything was okay, until i fell down on da floor n sprained my right leg....then met a guy which i kinda scare of when the training came to the end...everything seemed wrong...til now~

i dunno whether i should say something at this moment....i dun think i should, if not, i wil regret for whole of my life~

i know me well, i cant think positively when i feeling not well, feeling not uncomfortable....there r something tat we should or shouldnt say.....but it's hard to decide n differentiate~ i need to be alone~ i need to rest my mind n my physical body~

it's my fault, i know it longer than everyone else... n everything i did something without go thru my mind, i do feel bad n guilty~ it's enuff to feel tat way.... really enuff~ i wil hate myself even more~ it's right to voice out from our heart.... i understand....~

watever, juz watever.... it's not important at all~ i had decided, then y i stil make it complicated? it din serve any purpose~

sorry, i lost the only way to voice out~ i think, it's al my fault~ i shouldnt, from the very beginning...........~

~I think i....~

2007-09-06T01:47:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time i din feel this way...well, how long? i dun even know how many years....

i hate tis feeling, although it feels good sometimes...coz i was lost n nervous...i dunno wat i should or shouldnt do...even care bout my every step....am i walk in proper way? haha....watever.....tat moment, i care bout wat other think bout me~

i do believe in fate, wat we called in chinese is 'Yuan'....i always believe tat, tat's the thing why two diff ppl can meet each other, why we have frenz, y we have our family members, n why we find a life partner.....there r not only 2 ppl exist in a whole world, it's fate bring us together......do u agree? or do u hav any more scientific theory to explain this? plz tel me.....

since i shifted to here, everyday i gotta take lrt n bus, the more ppl i wil c exp when i hav morning class which is the peak time for always every public transportations...i like to observe, i like to c diff ppl in diff behaviors....but the journey is tiring, esp when met the unfriendly stranger or driver....ok, come to my point, so all these ppl who had taken the same train or same bus with me, once n several times or always, is tat means tat tis is fate? i wonder......haha~

watever, today, not really a good day for me....my foot was get hurt....pain!!!!

~September...~

2007-09-04T17:04:00.000-07:00

~wake me up...when september end.....~

is a song which is so familiar n when now, we are in september....so everybody sing......*wake me up....when september end.............*

early in da morning.....everyone woke up juz to sign up for tutorial groups~ yeah, tis is Malaysian culture, we r all kiasu ppl, included myself of coz...everyone scare cant get the group we wan~ tat's the nature of human~

yeah, nature of human...recently i keep thinking bout tis.....nature of human~

since we said tat certain attitude r nature of human, then is tat means tat even something offensive we can juz consider it as nature of human?

tat's the only reason i can accept......tis nature of human, is self-centered~

i shouldnt think tat much, i know tat.....but how if i was hurt bcoz im the one who always been offended? i was trying tat i dun care, make joke with it n pretend tat's okay for me~ but i juz dun und y they din think twice b4 they speak?

i talk less these few days, at college, at home.....i more prefer when im alone, at least i can watever i wan to....i did mean i tend to isolate myself, but juz for a short while, i can talk to myself n tel myself, everything is okay~

tat's the way i live.....

okay, it's time to start hardworking.....i tel myself, i wil juz try all my best.....n hopefully it wont be so tough for me~ God bless me....plz.....

~Nite @ Feeling~

2007-09-01T04:08:00.000-07:00

well, it was a nite, with feelings~ but well, juz simple feelings~

how many days had been gone n yet im stil da same old me with the same emotions + feelings n plus the expressions which totally againts my true feelings?

should b stop, i need to stop~

so i decided, leave the place for a while where i no longer bear it, juz one nite, n tat's enuff~

no one's fault, but me~ i know it clearer than any others~

i went to Feeling cafe, i ordered the food without considering the price lik wat i used to~ n so i feel nice~ sorry, mum, i spent money without think twice~

everything going to b alright~ im sure~

i walked out from the shadow, no more struggling whether i should apologize or shouldnt i~ yeah...im not allow myself to slow down my footstep~ i hav to go on, there is a long way.....long long way~

~2nite, Jungle finding a way~

2007-08-28T06:16:00.000-07:00

it is weird when i dun feel lik wan to do anything, juz nothing tat i wan to do....the nite, is stil very very young, but y my mind so blank?

honestly, even typing blog now, i feel lik im forcing myself to do something, yeah....at least im doing something......

my mind stuck in somewhere, recently my fren asked me think bout a choreography for a performance~ im trying my very best, lik wat i used to dance...but it's weird, i cant even think the steps...wat's wrong with me? the feeling is juz like, im not the one who i used to be~ am i really changing? even changed to a person who dunno how to dance anymore?

watever...juz watever.....

i dun really wan to do a single thing right now....

i wan to talk to someone...juz talk....but everyone seems busy to talk to .......

i wan to drink something, juz any cold drinks which can calm myself down......but it's meaningless if drinking something alone without sharing n caring.......

many things tat i wan to do, but juz cant.....

so i rather dun wan do anything........juz nothing........

~am i different?~

2007-08-27T06:41:00.000-07:00

2day, seemed better.....yeah....no more bad days....plz.....

few days ago, really my nightmares....everyone think tat i wil go n kill myself, but well, i wont, i still strong instead.....thx all the messages i received from my dearest....no worries, i'll b okay~

2day, is the day my school reopen officially, but wat a good nite yday til i forgot to set my alarm....i suppose to leave the house at 9am, but when i jumped down from the bed, the clock was pointing at 9am!!!! gosh, i gonna b late~

but the whole world is lik helping me...haha...everything went so smooth....got the lrt without waiting for so long, got the bus with juz few minutes.........fortunately, when i went down from the bus, i looked at my watch again, it's 10am....which my class wil start the next second, but at least, i was in the campus ady.....

2day, when i was having my lunch with my frenz, i met my fren, but i was so shocked when i looking the gal in front of me...is totally a different ppl but stil looking pretty~ ^^

yeah, she reminded me tat even world is changing, y dun human change? i should hav some changes mayb, but i do feel alright with me.....but frenz said i look different.....did i? i dun even realized tat....so....i think juz bcoz of the setting of the class? the light effect? or.....they having a very good mood? anything....juz anything.....

2day, i discovered i met a guy for almost many times at the same day.....

2day....everything seems okay for me.....

plz, plz....remember to set alarm 2nite....

~what i should do next?~

2007-08-26T02:49:00.001-07:00

yday, it's a bad day, really bad day for me~

i cried for whole morning n afternoon, i slept in evening, n woke up with tireness~

never know tat crying can cause me exhausted~

when i woke up, it's a miscal from my house, i wonder who was calling me~

is he wan to say sorry? or is she wan to make sure tat im ok?

anyone, i dun care~ n so until now, my phone remain silence without any call in.....

it's my problem? i wonder.....it's my fault?

should i juz remain silence as well? or should i call them up n apologize? but wat do i did n so need i to say sorry or take the initiative?

well, since when i need to consider all these? i hate these feelings~ it's too complicated......

~When meteors wil never make ur dreamz come true~

2007-08-24T10:41:00.000-07:00

it's the midnight, n i think, im not going to sleep tis whole nite~

i dunno whether here is the nice space for me to burst out, but i hav to, i need to~

days have been tough for me, i tot im able to bear it up on my shoulder, but i was wrong~ i look stronger than whoever, but plz dun forget im stil a gal~

i lost the ability to bear the jokes bout me as well, sorry, i stil laughing, but my soul, is playing the pessimistic games~

u might think i was stil the same old me when i was asking the same old question, but sorry, i juz trying to be the same old me.

i tried hard to find myself, but i lost, in the middle road~

i wan to talk more lik usual, i wan to laugh more lik usual, but y is tat so hard for me to talk n laugh? im haunted~ really....haunted~ by a soul, who never bright~

when looking at the characteristics of Sagittarian, saying tat he/she is optimist, happy, cheers.....but there is something tat there never mention, Sagittarian, is weak~ Everyone think tat im the ok-type, or mayb nvm-type. they never mind their words before they speak to me~ i can und tat, sometimes i lik tat. at least they treat me with their real self without a mask then praise me with lotz of beautiful compliments. i hate to hav tat....

Mayb bcoz of tat, they never think tat i do mind sometimes. im only human, i do have emotions n temper~

i try to stand on somebody feet in different situations, but y other dun try to stand on my feet sometimes?

i need ppl's understanding~ im not a happy n cheerful robot who telling cold jokes n sometimes no one laugh at it, not even a slightly smile~ im okay with tat~ but plz dun define me to 'somebody' which i am not~

communication is always the problem which rising lots of conflicts. i understand n really understood~

there are too many things tat i worrying....at the same time~

dun try to ask me, persuade me to stop thinking, juz allow me~ but if u r my true fren, juz dun put me down~ i wil appreciate tat~

yet, im stil stronger, i think....i juz need some time~

~tat's all i got...~

2007-08-24T01:12:00.000-07:00

Yday, finally watched the movie tat i wan to watch which really made me desperated~ no doubt, it's a nice movie~ SECRET~ hope Emily did enjoy the movie~ ^^

well, after the movie, we went bac home by taxi directly~ although i hav a lot of time, but weird, i dun wan to spend more time in the mall~ it's too huge for me....~

i asking myself, wat's wrong with me? ....... after the movie, i reached my condo but i dun feel lik going bac home~ dun ask me y, juz....dun feel lik~

so i went to a bakery & cafe, i ordered one piece of Tiramisu, n aunty there offered me a warm water...coz it's cold weather~ thx, aunty, i feel warm....^^

i went there without bringing my book, since nothing to do there, i asked aunty for paper n a pen~ so i start writing.....

i realized, i felt uncomfortable these few days, when frenz talking bout something which i was not involved, when frenz said something unintentionally but hurt me, when, yeah, when the words came out from somebody mouth, n hurt me~

yeah, i not belongs to it, i din get involved, tat's my decision, plz, juz plz, dun ignore my existence but except u r blind....coz, im not deaf.....

okay, results were released today~ n tat's all i got~ it's expected, but i stil disappointed~ tat's all i got after i put all my effort? well...it's okay, im the only who make this happened~ so, i need time, i juz need time to accept the truth~

plz, bless me~

~Easy but yet it's tough~

2007-08-20T05:00:00.000-07:00

are human losing their sense of talking face to face?

tat's the question in my best buddy's msn personal message...

dunno y,i keep thinking bout it for a long time...i think i wil bring tis question to the bed tonite...i wan to find an answer...

yeah,really,all of us can talk easily, saying a lotz of useless nonsense, crap for one whole thick book, but y is tat so hard for ppl talking face to face sometimes in some particular situation? i think all of us know wat's the most sensitive topic to talk face to face...it's all about relationship....love....between gals n boys,or even parents n their children...

mayb i would say silence is sometimes the best answer,but well,we need to tel from our heart...heart,has the right to voice out.so plz dun ignore it~ listen to wat our heart wan to say. if ur mind keep thinking bout something which holding u back, the hesitation wil only make u lost the golden chance~ dun care bout wat other think bout u, dun care bout wat the answer wil be,dun care bout the face problem...nothing is more important than u missed a right person in ur life~

say is easy, i know, but mayb juz try...better than do nothing for it without a little effort~

tat's ur future..

~Juz be Myself~

2007-08-15T21:44:00.000-07:00

days r not easy...tat's all i can say~ esp since the day i know bout school reopen next week~ juz a small matter, but for me, is not a small matter,it is a huge trouble~ im sad, no one can understand that,even said y i was so exaggerated? ~ it's okay, it's my feeling anyway~ no one wil share it~

erm...i had accepted the truth, im going to face it~ now, at least i'd settled down~

recently, when i was hang up with a throng of old frenz in a cafe, i was complaining the waitress there was so no manner, but well, i wasnt really complaining, juz mumbling to my fren, of coz im wont stand up n yell at her, i wont do tat~ tat moment, i heard a sentenced which was so sharp for me,n i dun like it~

YOU HAD CHANGED~ so i asked,better or worsen? wat i did tat make u think tat i was changed? they claimed, i changed to a city-gal who required high standard, they said i wasnt the same old me but a person who like to blame n complain on a small little thing~ stunted, i jz nodded, but stil trying to deny~ well,i gave up to protest myself,coz i know is useless~ im not going to say anything to change their mind,even is impossible to change~ tat moment only i realized, something tat i always do since the day they know me, n now they said i had changed? or never realized i was like tat always?

i juz wonder but i realized, they never really discover a real me~ it was saddened me, deeply~ but it's fine~

so i wil always remind myself, wat i should or shouldnt say or do when facing with diff ppl~

again, i wil stil be myself~

~i hate it~

2007-08-14T06:26:00.000-07:00

yeah...tat's all i can say~ i really pissed off the minute i read the email~

informing me tat next week going to start the class n i have to go bac to col tis fri to register as it is firch come first serve....wat the heck is this all about? my holiday will only end bout one more week later, almost 2 weeks tat i can say~ bcoz of tis mail, my plans all spoiled~ completely~

disappointment filled in this house~ me, my sis, n my parents~ they never say it but i know they feel it~ bcoz of disappointed them, i really so upset~

i hate it~ really hate it~ i hate all these unsure things~ which spoiled my holiday~ i stil have a lotz of things havent do, i stil have many frenz havent meet up, there r new recipes i wan to try it out in the kitchen~ a lotz~ really....there are many places tat i stil wan to go~

now only i realized i never spent my holiday to the fullest n meaningful, instead i was wasting my holidays~

there is a lesson for me may b~

~JPP...~

2007-08-13T03:43:00.000-07:00

when i juz connected a chat box pop up, there was a youtube website which sent by my fren~

after few minutes, i was really shocked y my secondary school became lik tis? wat's wrong with the new principle? wat's wrong with the students there nowadays?

there was a clip, captured at my school compound, the environment looked good at the first glance, coz every buildings there were repainted~ but juz after few seconds, there was a view with all the bad words conteng on the walls~ such as, Pengetua babi....n lotz~

i dunno wat had happened~ but as a former student, studied there for 5 years long n thing like tis never happen b4~ since the ex-principle retired, so this current principle replaced, juz 3 months n all these bad things happened~ many quetions in my mind, i juz dun understand~ is tat really principle's faults? or wat?

there is a place where have lotz of my good memories~ frenz, teachers, n many~ but now, everything seems back to previous generation~ can i know, wat's wrong?

~ah dui~

2007-08-08T03:12:00.000-07:00

'ah dui '...tis was wat i always used when chatting in msn...suddenly i think bout tis, bcoz for now, ah dui, became so strange...i wonder, how long i never use these 2 simple words?

from the day when i lost a best fren.....tat's the answer my heart told me....

wat is the definition of best fren? i do not have an absolute answer....it can be very vague, but it can be very objective as well....but im the one who definite, who is my best fren....although he/she never count me in their best fren list....perhaps....u know, everyone has their own definitions of best fren....

so he was one of mine best frenz, he used to be my best buddy...we went to many places, we went to cafe til midnight, we chatted bout life, days, stories, families, frenz....everything day n nite....n i stil remember he said he wil never forget....but he has the personality, which is forgetful, or should i say absent-minded? watever, stil the same meaning anyway.....

it has been months we never keep in touch...but juz suddenly, i was missing him when i took the train 2day....n tis time, i wouldnt deny, tat im missing him~ y? we became stranger? fate? ur fault or my fault? i never care whose to blame....i wan to be the same, i hope we never change, but y everytime we met u juz showed me the possibility so low? juz very low.....

i tel myself it's okay...life, how r we going to count the total of ppl we meet from the day we born? n those who we remember, should remember in our mind as long as we could~ n i always remind myself, i should try my very best, to remember all memories i had with other ppl....

~i have, do u?~

2007-08-06T18:40:00.000-07:00

these few days, i really feeling not well n juz cough like hell...i hate it~ really hate it~ how i scare it wil be asthma again...

anyway, now i came bac to KL again, juz for few days, without any particular purpose...n so i like tat, do anything tat i lik, without considering much....sound good, dun u agree? if only u really desperate of freedom...i do hav freedom, but sometimes i wil still complain tat's not enuff....human, never satisfies....~

yday, we went to a place tat we never go b4, we said we wanted to explore....but sound funny, tat's actually nothing for us to explore....juz nothing.....haha~ so wat we can do was walking...walking blindly....dun care bout the direction....dun care where we want to go....juz use the legs...walk n walk.....

okay~ this my purpose to come bac here....i think~ not walk around in the city, but, do watever i like, then enjoy....in our busy lives....how many ppl can do this? no...less....few....very few....im glad tat im one of them....haha~

~Before & After~

2007-08-03T03:25:00.000-07:00

say hi again~

wat i'd been doing recently? well, a lot~ there r pretty much thing tat i wan to share here, but seem impossible~

i juz bac from penang, joined a trip which my best fren asked me to, so met a group of new frenz, who study medical in Russia, same with my best fren~ tat's really a best trip i would ever had, i love the food there, i love the places, i love the frenz i juz met~

everything seems okay, before n after~ but tat's something different, when i stepped bac to my own land~

sometimes i wil ask, is God fair enuff? my answer for tis question wil always b yes! but i never sure tat 'yes' is a correct answer, suspiciously~ i witnessed everyone life in this earth is all different, no two same ppl with have the same life n fate forever, never! i know tat im lucky enuff, but there is something missing~

before, n after, i hope, i wil stil b the same old me~ it doesnt mean tat im not allow myself to change, but i wil only allow myself, change to a better me~

~Egghead~

2007-07-22T05:48:00.000-07:00

Sunday, the day i lik the most every week~ ^^v

well, egghead, is my title for tis blog~ i juz learn this word from newspaper today~ 'Egghead' means a person who is very smart~

for sure, here, im not referring myself, i know, im not an egghead~ i know, i know~ =.=

but i wil trying to be...^^

juz, learn a new word~

~Insomnious night~

2007-07-20T09:51:00.000-07:00

1pm...n i....juz dun feel lik wan to sleep at all~

i went to my room n sleep on my bed, tried hard to close my eyes, but my brain stil processing, i know, im stil awake, widely~

i hate this~ well, now regretting to take a short nap tis noon~

so im blogging, about wat im thinkin, since i hav nothing much can do in the late midnite~

i keep tis blog secretly, only for those who read my previous friendster blog. wat my purpose? everyone knows blog is created to let other ppl read, n so y i keep it as private? everyone needs their private space, so do i~ but i dun mind if my frens ter-read this~ it's okay~

im thinking, wat is life? a stupid question, with thousand of different answers~ n now, im living, as a gal, who remain single for 19 years~ yeah, im thinking bout me~ is tat a failure never experience any relationship b4? a kid told me, is a failure, coz he had 3 ex-gf n he is only a 14 year old boy~ aha~ is him who should be labelled abnormal? or im the one who is abnormal? lolz~

honestly, i never take tis seriously, i never mind to remain single~ im a typical sagittarian, i lik freedom n social with ppl~ i never dare to imagine when i was commit in a relationship, am i a good girl friend? haha~ juz now, went to night market with my family~ i met few old frenz, n they were holding hand with their partner~ they seemed can met bf/gf easily, but y is tat so hard for me to meet one? i wonder~ haha~

good guy is not easy to find, juz lik wat i tot my net fren is a nice guy but at last let me know he juz da same with all the bastards~ my frenz, all is good guy tat i can say, but the feel juz not right~

is okay~ i can be independent, is a not a good thing when u bcum too dependable....u lost everything when u lost someone who u always rely on~ tat's wat i think~ but i wil stil waiting...to feel the love again~ love, cannot rush~ i know, it takes time~

~Thx to let me know....~

2007-07-20T05:34:00.000-07:00

he is a fren who we use to chat via msn for years...we never meet each other, but we chatting about life, love, studies.....so we sms, when i met problems~ he not really can help me, but at least, he is a good listener~

juz now, he told me something, which kinda shocked me, although i act normally~

thx to let me know~ only i realized u r this kind of guy~ well, i stil thinking whether accept or not to accept... is tat really normal for a guy to do tat? i wonder....

anyway, i wil b stil da same....as long as, im not his victim~

~When i c ur tears...~

2007-07-19T22:34:00.000-07:00

it's been a long time i din go bac to my kampung, a kampung, which i always love to go bac~ KEDAH!

never expect tat i was been there without planning it~ it was a tiring journey, from ipoh drive to KL n from KL drive to KEdah, then the next day, bac ipoh from Kedah.... so , u can imagine it?
although i was not the driver who had to drive, but it made me exhausted~

thing, juz happened lik tat. my cousin's son, got dengue~ although in a serious condition, stupid XXX hospital which located in KL, not allow him to stay in. Privete hospital cost alot, if only u have RM8000 only can talk to the nurse there....wat a sad thing to say. so we had no choice, so my dad decided to send him bac to kedah immediately.

i juz dun understand, wat a cruel society? government hospital, they said mattress there r limited, hav to ensure tat u really serious enuff only let u check in n cure by doctors there. private hospital, every doctors there r professional, complete facilities, good nurses, juz lik heaven , so u hav to pay, b4 u walk in the doorstep. so, who really care bout the patient? who really care bout citizens who need help? dun forget, we pay for the government!!!

is really a sad case, at the same time, but different place, his sister, get dengue as well~ wat a stupid coincident~

i accompanied my dad along the journey. i met my relatives there. they looked different, but they said i looked different. time changed us, the days we had gone thru, made us grow n older~

i din sleep well for a nite. coz i was thinking. there're few ppl running here n there in my brain. the next day, we went to hospital, visit a pretty gal who is my cousins daughter, the one, who always under my protection. i was holding her hand bside the bed, i tried my best to tel her, everything is ok, wil b ok~ at the same time, i tried my very best, to forbid my tear cum out from my eyes. i hav to be strong in tat situation, when others are all weak, they need someone who is strong~ n i have to be~

inside my heart was melting, when i c her tears....

everything wil b alright, as long as we strongly believe it~ i told her.....

~Im Right~

2007-07-17T08:47:00.000-07:00

juz finished reading my fren's blog, n i discovered something, which is an answer for my guessing~ again, it had proved my intuition is correct~ well, it's obvious tat i can say, when someone fall in love, they changed, act differently, unconciously~

when i asked them, they wil never say tat i guess it rite, they wil never admit, esp girls~ yeah, it's hard to admit tat i lik someone, it's really hard for girls~ not fair, dun u think so? always is a strange thing when girls take the initiative or confess b4 guys~

it's okay, i told my fren~ then she asked, but it's not okay for u to confess, dun u? haha~ i said, NEVER!!!! wat a weirdo? but i juz cant allow myself to do tat~

erm....tat's the reason i stil being single? i think not~ juz not the right time, haha~

~It's worth it~

2007-07-15T08:49:00.000-07:00

well, it's really feel good to sitting here, a room, tat i used to be for many years~

yeah, home sweet home, i say it, coz i feel it~

i really scared tat i made a wrong decision, but everything is proven tat's not~ yeah, i missed a golden chance which i can gain precious experiences, i missed a chance to reduce my parents' financial burden~ therefore i was thinking too much, i worried~

but when the time hugging with my sisters n mum, the moment we whole family were sitting around the table in a japanese restaurant, when we're sitting in a same old car driving around the city~ each second tat i feel im so happy~ tat's all i need, after a tiring period in a busy city which i hate~ yeah, tat's wat i really need~

i enjoying every minutes, but it ended, juz with a wink...how cruel it is? elder sis with her bf went bac, n again, time to say bye~ 2 more days, another darling sister wil go bac to spore....then, everything wil go bac to normal, very normal with incomplete feeling~

i gotta face it, sooner or later, but it wil b the same feeling, i feel sad, even wil cry may be, but i allow the tears come out, i allow my emotion to be wat it wan to be, coz it normal i feel tat way~ it's so hard to say tat i wil get use to it~ but i never get use to it even i said bye for years.... everytimes the same, i sad, i cried~

it's ok, as long as i cherish every moments~

love u mum , dad , n my 3 lovely charming sisters~ forever, in centuries~

~Typical Malaysian~

2007-07-11T09:18:00.000-07:00

recently, i really get in touched with a lotz of Typical Malaysian, of coz, with dark skin, n with their smelly mouths~

well, wat made me so angry? cannot say tat i was angry, juz dun understand, y such ppl stil can alive in this country???!~ again, they only can survive in this country~

for ur information, i juz bac from Johor, Tangkak last few days. i really enjoyed my trip with my dear frenz... but when last day came, n i was get into the bus come bac KL, i met such a stupid bus driver!!!

he yelled on innocent passenger, he thought everyone in the bus is stupid, he thought he is a MALAY!!! n so wat? means tat u can scold anyone tat u like? plz... use brain~ u juz a driver!!!! we paid for u!!! we r customer!!! my fren's seat was being sit by someone, so my fren asked the driver...know wat tat driver shouted? "saya cakap ada tempat duduk saja la! apa cakap cakap!!!" if im not a gal, if i din think much, i wan to go bac safely, i think i wil juz scold him bac! even slap him if i can!!! wat the attitude? shame on me, shame on Malaysian!

nothing much tat i can say~ he is juz one of them...juz one of THEM!!!

~Decision~

2007-07-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

to make a decision, always is so hard for me, i dun even know y~

well, yeah, i admit tat im so indecisive, even get phobia to make a decision~ coz i scare tat i wil regret, i scare tat i will make a wrong decision~

now is holiday, everyone planning how to earn money in this 2 months holiday, n someone busy with the mentoring training sessions. then how bout me? in my mind i juz thinking bout going bac home....i tot tat's the only thing im thinking bout...but it juz seemed lik~

im struggling, again, now, i have to make a decision, which is not easy for me at all~

everyone doing the thing they like, they hope, to gain more experiences, to gain more money~ but i do nothing in this holiday, nothing~ so it makes me reconsidering, wat do i really need?

it took a long time for me to think all these....n most of the time i was talking with my bottom heart, asking myself, wat do i really need?

finally, there is an answer, which is so simple~ yeah, only one word tat is really important for me, which is, FAMILY~ yeah, my fren is correct, he knows me well, family is everything for me~

the minute i know wat i really want, no doubt anymore, everything seems clear~

i quit the chance to be selected in mentoring malaysia program, i lost bout thousand money which i can earn in only 2 weeks~ is tat worth it if i miss all these chances? i can say NO! absolutely and exactly~

~070707~

2007-07-06T16:33:00.000-07:00

yeah, u may say tat nothing different, tat wat i think as well, lik last year 060606, inbox full of forward message, said tat only appear in thousand decade, i stil rmb wat i said tat time, cheh, wat so special woh, next year stil got 070707, then 080808......

but i dunno y, today, i found it different~

i jz feel so special n dunno y~

2day, is my frenz bday, one in ipoh, another one, going to a trip with us later~

n 2day, i juz think of someone tat i never c, juz strongly feel tat wan to wish tat someone~

yday b4 i went to bed, i purposely set 7am 6.50am alarm, n get ready to wish al the people tat i wan to wish~ yeah, n i did~ luckily i din missed this chance~ as we promised b4, i woke up my two buddies who same dorm with me, n we took pic, with half open eyes look~ haha, we look terrible, really terrible, but we all, happy~ tat's wat i want~

sometimes, dun miss the chance to giv us more memories, tat's nothing wrong with tat even u think tat's crazy...i lik it, i really lik it~

going to Muar, Malacca, Tangkak....i wan to enjoy my holiday, to the very fullest....i wan take many pictures, i wan eat many food, i wan say aa thousand jokes, i wan everything tat wil make me, or frenz around me, a very happy moment~

holiday, begin~

~Rules...~

2007-07-05T06:07:00.000-07:00

i juz wondering, y everyone of us follow the rules, from the day we born until now~ y must we follow the rules? yeah, there are certain rules that every human has to be obey, to remain harmony society with peaceful~ here, im not referring those laws n regulations~ im a good citizen anyway~

for this very moment, i hate to attend something which they said the attendance is compulsory, but they never consider tat's holiday~ is holiday...which i waiting for so long~ i need a rest, desperately, if not, i will getting mad~ at this very moment, i hate to listen ppl around me said tat we hav to go, tat is a must to be selected as a mentor~ i hate all these....i hate everything that change my plan, i hate~ really...hate~ i din mean tat i dun wan to be a mentor, if really lik tat i wont attended for so many session, wat for? wasted my precious time? im not tat fool anyhow~ i need more time than anyone need~ i dun wan miss a little thing in my life, n i dun wan miss this chance~ but meanwhile, i dun wan miss the only opportunity gather with my best fren who soon wil go bac Russia n im thinking when wil we meet each other again? i dun wan miss the only chance hug my dear sister in my arm n kiss on her cheek, how long tat we din hug n kiss? months ago~ a sister who working hard in neighbor country~ but nothing going to be perfect, i need to lost either one of it, i know tat, so here it is, the hard time to make a hard decision~ it kills me...really~

it's okay, i telling myself.....again n again~

i juz hate to be control~ i juz hate when i miss anything in my life~

giv me some time~ i need a break, i need a breath~

~Life in this city...~

2007-07-04T01:12:00.000-07:00

juz a snap, i had finished one of the final exam papers~ good news? mayb~

after the paper of PSY105, my burden lost half~ i had a good mood after i stepped out from the hall, really~ we went to pizza hut and ordered the set lunch happily, but weird, when the pizza served on the table, i lost my appetite, n mood changed, juz in a sudden~ okay, im admit, i am juz such a weird person~ i dun even know~

after lunch, again, i stepped into a busy city~ a city, which is so hazy, which is full of typically Malaysian, a country which never improve, wat a shame as a malaysian... i dunno wat make me feel tat way...all the thoughts n feelings come together, again, in a very sudden~

i really fed up with the roads full of cars, i really hate to c all the pirated stuffs selling along the roads n all the mat salleh standing there n buying with Ringgit Malaysia~ wat a pity scenario? but our government thinks tat is one of the place which must promote in Visit Malaysia 2007~

i walked inside a building, which is always so stuffy and make me hard to breath~ i was walking with my half death body~ smiling on my face faded, when someone walked near me n asked me to buy their stuff~ how i hope i can juz yell out: "stay away from me!!!" my morality not allow me to do that, i dunno y~ so my pace quickened~ i wan to stay away from them, since they wont~

everything juz not right, at that moment, until i came bac home n sitting here....only i calm dowm~

wat's wrong with me? or wat's wrong with the country i living? when i went into LRT, full of working ppl, but only 3pm something, all of them ady finished working? but wat i remember, 5pm only is the time to leave from their work place....isnt it? okay...only our race working so hard....but they wil never worry even if they lost the job, they wil stil hav money from 'somewhere else' to survive in this country...only in this country anyway~ i wonder y Malaysia full of those kind of ppl, coz they hav no where can survive~ not even Singapore tat i can say....

okay~ stop, i should stop, n i hav to stop~

my fault~ my fault~ tat's the life in this city, n it wil never change~ NEVER~ so wat should i waste my time n thinking all these? they wil say tat's not a problem~ they wil never say tat~

leave it~

n get use to it? i wonder....

~我想。。。~

2007-07-02T21:42:00.000-07:00

当我决定了，就不想改变了~

我也有权利，得到我想要的，不是吗？

我不想要失去原本属于我的自由~

射手座的自己，或许是个借口，但我要自己快乐~

juz lik wat i read in the book which entitled Tuesday with Morrie, live everyday as if lik 2ml u wil die~ i wan to live my life colorful, but not sorrowful, since now im young enuff to enjoy my life, i wan to do something, something which will be my memories~ i dun wan regret...remorse is something tat we should avoid~ everything going to b okay, coz, i make a decision, which i wil never change~